She can only have been sixteen. Her curly hair was arranged on top of her head and fell around her shoulders like a cascade of bubbles. On her low-cut blouse she wore a large badge in the shape of a reindeer head. Its nose flashed red. On. Off. On. Off.

‘He wants to leave.’ Kathryn’s voice was very quiet. ‘He told me. He wants to go as soon as he can.’

The sales girl looked at Kathryn, then at me. ‘I’ll leave you to it, then,’ she said, and trotted back to her till, reindeer badge still flashing.

Kathryn held the T-shirt tight to her middle. The black lips rolled over her fist. ‘Howard. He wants to leave us.’

‘I heard you.’

We looked at each other. I took a breath. ‘What do you mean, leave us?’

‘Not right away. But as soon as he’s finished at school.’

‘What about his A levels?’

‘He wants to go to London. In the summer. He told me.’

‘London?’

‘I wasn’t supposed to tell you.’

The bright department store lights revealed the creases around Kathryn’s mouth and eyes. I noticed that the line around her full lips was not as definite as it once was. It was as if someone had smudged the edges of her mouth with a damp finger. But to me, her face was still soft, still curvy, like the rest of her.

‘He means it, Howard.’ There was a slight tremble in her chin. We were both breathing hard.

I reached out and put a hand on my wife’s shoulder. She didn’t flinch or move away. Instead, she said in a quiet voice, ‘I don’t know what I’ll do if he goes,’ and when she looked at me her eyes were wet.

I drew her towards me then, and held her. I put my arms around her and dug my fingers into the scratchiness of her tweed coat. She let herself go limp against me, and I felt the heat of her breath on my neck. Her shoulders sagged, and I held her tighter.

‘He won’t leave.’ I spoke into her hair, and she gripped my waist and nodded her head. I knew she was crying now.

‘He won’t leave.’

As we swayed together beneath the glare of the shop’s spotlights, I remembered the orange light that had surrounded us on the day she’d told me she was expecting Robert. I remembered how my whole body had felt suddenly warm.

Kathryn’s hair brushed my lips as I whispered to her. ‘He won’t leave. I promise.’

Kathryn was sobbing too much to speak, but I felt her tighten her grip. There was nothing to do, then, but hold on to each other.

fourteen: Joanna, December, 1985

fourteen

Joanna

December, 1985