if your mind isnt in it youll never get there

you sound experienced

lol I dabble

Then another message:

try reading those links, see if it works for you. then lemme know which ones you liked best

Try something a little flirty, I thought, just a hint, step out of your comfort zone. We were already in strange, new territory.

thanks for kickstarting my sex life!

I regretted sending it immediately. Luckily, her reply was quick.

anytime 😘

What followed was one of the strangest weeks of my life. I would wake up, work through the day, have dinner with my grandparents, during which grandmother would ask about my progress.

“Still working on it,” I’d mumble as grandfather looked away, pretending he didn’t know what we were talking about. Then I would lock myself in my bedroom and lie on my bed, pull out my old phone, open an incognito browser (even though I know incognito doesn’t do much), and painstakingly retype one of the URLs Louise had sent.

I would read, pacing my breathing, my fingers trailing along my body.

make sure youre comfortable. keep your feet warm. wear socks if theyre cold

Louise would send me these sorts of messages throughout the evening. I’d stare at the persistent gray lines on my wrist as my other hand grew tired and eventually gave up.

The links Louise sent did help. Sometimes I would feel something building, just like her stories described. And I would wonder if that was it—if I had done it. But always the phoenix was still there, and never did this so-called sense of release course through my body.

maybe you need to think of a real person. someone you had a crush on before? or maybe have one on now?

I thought of her long fingers tracing my body, her lips trailing down my stomach, her eyes glancing up, sly. A majority of the stories she sent took place in a hotel room. So I imagined us in a hotel room, nestled in clean sheets, the heat turned high so we would not need to wear our socks.

do you have a crush on anyone now?

yes, I managed to type, my breathing shallow. do you?

you haven’t noticed?

Circular motions. My typing was slow with one hand, my thoughts muddled for other reasons.

no not really. you’re always cool and collected

maybe only because you make me feel so comfortable . . . so like myself

I had begun to type, one letter at a time, when she beat me to another message.

are you touching yourself now?

I erased the sentence I had started. Not even the idea of a machine parsing our conversation and trying to learn more about us could have made me stop typing.

yes

k im gonna join you. which story are you reading?