He introduced me to two of his other pawns on that visit, his arm around my waist. They were closer to my age, students I recognized. I had seen them before at Phoenix 708. The government was paying them to be there, to spy on their classmates, and they did so, hoping it was their way into America. I saw myself in their eyes. We were the same.

They were responsible for befriending the men at the restaurant, for getting close enough to borrow or take their pencils and return them to me. I would then Reforge them and report to Mr. Gao. The pawns made sure to always replace the pencil so the owners never realized they had been stolen.

That night after we lay together, Mr. Gao showed me a pencil he had brought from Mother and insisted I Reforge it, saying I must miss her words. I told him I would Reforge it later. He demanded I do it in front of him. His arms pressed into my rib cage, his fingers trailing over my stomach. We were lying on the new bed he bought for me as I cut deeper into my skin than I ever had before, black blood spilling onto white paper spread across the gray sheets.

There was hardly any news. Perhaps she knew Mr. Gao would insist on reading. She spoke of how she and my father were in good health, how she had not heard from you or your mother, and business was going well.

“A lovely note,” Mr. Gao said, kissing the back of my neck.

“Yes,” I managed.

I buried my head in the new pillow. It smelled vaguely foreign, like the department store, a distorted version of the one your mother used to love. I breathed slowly, carefully, so he would not notice my shakiness or the tears gathering on my pillow. Tears for no longer having even the pencils to connect with Mother, tears for having lost touch with you, for the days when we bled our stories into each other, marveled at how the pencils could conceal. And now I was on the other side of the world, away from all of you, and without even this small power.

Chapter 25

From the diary of Monica Tsai, backed up on three servers spanning two continents

November 14, 2018 (2018-11-14T15:27:03.563753)

loc: Cambridge, Massachusetts. United States of America (42.3721865,71.1117091)

I don’t know where to begin. I don’t even know if I can write this down. It’s weird and embarrassing. But if there’s one thing I need to process, it’s the last few weeks. Starting with the horrifying conversation I had with grandmother, where she asked me if I had ever masturbated before.