I gently open the door to the garden and walk out, the damp grass seeping into the end of my shoes, wetting my toes. I wander along the borders, pulling at leaves, poking into bushes trying to figure out what is supposed to be there and which is an intruder. Like me and Caro, I think. I dig my toe into the soil, enjoying the earthy scent that rises. I can do this. I can bring the garden back to life. I scan the plot, excitement fizzing in my veins. There’s a lot of work to do, and there are a couple of dead patches in the grass that I maybe need to reseed, but I can bring this garden back to its former glory. We could put in a pool, like Sadie and Miles have. I imagine the garden in the summer, a riot of colour and heady scents, as Rupert and I spread open the doors to the orangery and let the sunshine back into the house. I picture myself, bringing out trays of drinks, champagne maybe, to Will, Amanda, Sadie and Miles, just like at Sadie’s party, as Rupert flips high-end burgers on a barbecue – I look around, and there doesn’t seem to be one, but I can buy one – and we’ll all drink, and laugh, and make memories together. I imagine Sadie and I laid out on sun loungers, letting the warm summer air brush over our tanned bodies as Miles and Rupert splash with the children in the pool… maybe even mine and Rupert’s children, one day. I imagine Rupert and I sitting out on the grass on a hot summer’s evening, watching the stars come out. I imagine no more messages, no more phone calls, no more feeling as though eyes are on me. I imagine belonging.

Chapter Twenty

Rupert is back at work following his short Christmas break, and if he’s honest, despite the heavy work load he’s under, he’s almost relieved to be out of the house. Every time he’s been asked if he had a nice break, he’s just nodded and said how lovely it was, but in all fairness, things have been so strained between him and Emily since she opened the present on Christmas Day evening, he’s glad to escape the atmosphere at home. It doesn’t help that in a week’s time it will be a year exactly since Caro’s memorial and he’s sure Caro’s mother will be in contact.