You try to leave, and I block your path at the door, and I wait, and the delicious fucking wait is too much, almost

—and—

I sense you leaving, and I want to say a single word that somehow means sorry, please, don’t go, help me, it’s not your fault, I wish it wasn’t my fault, goodbye.

I wrap myself around your leg and I sift myself through your very essence. I shark within your cells, and I breathe you all in

—and—

I am losing you and the loss is as aching and delicious and bottomless and as addictive as the gain, as the replacing.

You open the door, stand at the precipice, break away, and leave

—and—

you open the door, stand at the precipice, break away, and leave.

I return to myself

—and—

I return to myself.

It feels like floating

—and—

it feels like falling.

Masochism World

MASOCHISM WORLD

(2014, with a few dribs and drabs about the years since 2007 and before)

A chapter in which Art goes home again and it’s better I almost trashed the whole book because of what happens at the end of this chapter. I decided to leave this as written.

Is there a monster at the end of this chapter?

TITLE: COAL SONG

[Note: I can’t write or read music, but I can use a guitar tablature generator. I basically use the suspended chord shapes of C, G, Em, and D (not suspended), moved them up to the third fret.]

Lyrics:

You see that

I jumped over the couch

You see that

I jumped over the couch

Get out the way

Go back to work

I’ve got a red and white

Get out the way

Go back to work

I’ve got a red and white

Coal song

Admittedly, I am not a strong lyricist. Though, if you were to hear the song performed, I think you’d agree the words somehow work. Mostly. And fine, I harvested the lyrics from a screaming toddler who Super Marioed around everyone’s favorite box furniture store. (I wanted the Billy bookcase and all I came home with was a headache.) The kid had a binky in each hand, one red, one white. Sorry I demystified the song for you.

“Coal Song” is a Pallbearers Club original, and I work it into my sets. Despite the band name, I play solo now.

* * *