All the while, Paula stayed quiet. Her face was closed over now, making it impossible to gauge how she felt. All the implications and ramifications were charging around Conor’s brain. His dad, a grandfather, was going to have a baby. With Tess’s mam. He couldn’t picture either of them with a child. Would they even remember what to do? Wouldn’t they be worn out? And what would people say? While he felt bad for giving this last thought headspace, the fact remained: they were old folks behaving like youngsters. At the very least they could expect an outbreak of sniggering and unfunny jokes.

He was, he realised, expected to speak. ‘Congratulations,’ he squeaked. ‘Yeah, congratulations. That’s excellent news. Honest to God, excellent news.’

His dad smiled again, this version even more sheepish than before. ‘Thanks, Conor. I know it’s a lot to take on board. If you have any questions …’

Conor had a million questions. Every few seconds, up another one would pop. How long had his dad and Ginny been seeing each other? Would they live together? Would they get married? He fumbled for something else generous to say.

‘Tess will be thrilled,’ he said.

Paula looked at them both in a maternal sort of way. She’d always been older than her years, and with every month that passed this seemed more pronounced. ‘That’s good,’ was all she said.

‘And for fear you’re wondering,’ said his father, ‘we do plan on getting married. We’re thinking of next year, after the baby arrives.’ He hesitated, then added something that made Conor abandon all his questions. ‘Won’t it be great to have a bit of noise around the house again?’

‘I don’t know what to make of them,’ said Tess. ‘Like, seriously, a child? At their ages? Are they insane? Mam kept giving me this dreamy-eyed look, and I had to tell her how delighted I was. And I am delighted about her hooking up with your old man. It’s the first good decision she’s made in years. But a baby! I mean, come on, she’ll be forty-two by the time it’s born, and I’ll be twenty-three. I’m the one who should be thinking about reproducing. Not that I am. Because, unlike my mother, I’m not totally fucking mad.’

With that, she stopped and took a sharp gulp of her vodka and tonic.

‘Why don’t you climb down off the fence,’ said Nina, ‘and tell us what you really think?’

Despite himself, Conor laughed. ‘I have to say I’m stunned too.’

‘But you’re okay with my mam?’ asked Tess. ‘Like, you don’t—’

‘Tess, stop it, would you? Your mam’s the best. Dad’s like a kid himself, he’s so happy, but …’

‘It’s all topsy-turvy. Grandfathers shouldn’t be having children.’

‘That’s about the size of it.’