‘Yet the destruction of your mental faculties proceeds apace. I’m not impressed. But I will rephrase my question: since I booted you out of the house, has a day passed without you smoking or vaporising skunkweed?’

‘Nope,’ Gabe says proudly.

I sip my tea to hide the sting of pain. I shouldn’t feel it any more, but I do.

‘So your question – what if you did give up weed? – is a pointless one, isn’t it? You never will, because you very much don’t want to.’

‘I’d give up like a shot if you’d have me back. Why not try me? Accept the challenge: if you’re right about me and I screw up on day one, leave me again. There’s no way I could fool you, not with your state-of-the-art pupil-measuring techniques. But if I’m as good as my word, we stay together.’

‘As good as your word?’ I raise an eyebrow. ‘Gabe, in a contest between you, Pinocchio, The Boy Who Cried Wolf and Bernie Madoff, your word would come stone cold last. You’ve lied to me about drugs hundreds of times. For all I know, you’ve found some cunning anti-pupil-dilation device that’ll help you outwit me. Sorry, but I’m not falling for it.’

‘No such device exists.’ Gabe looks annoyed about this. ‘You’re a coward.’

‘I’m a realist,’ I correct him. ‘If you were capable of giving up, you’d have done so the second I said we were finished. That’s what I’d have done if I were you and wanted me back. I’d have said, “Okay, I didn’t think you meant it, but you clearly do, so I’m clean as of now. I’ll take regular drug tests—”’

‘Well, I will.’ Gabe smiles. He looks so reasonable. Reasonable and sexy. I want to hit him. ‘Come on, who else are you ever going to meet who’ll let you test their urine whenever the mood takes you? We’re a match made in heaven. We could even turn it into an exciting sexual role play: you could be a Thai airport official, and I’ll be the hapless passenger who’s had his luggage tampered with, and—’

‘Gabe, stop it.’ I don’t want to chat to him like we used to. It’s dangerous. He knows it, the bastard.