At the same time, I would do almost anything to stop myself from killing you because it would be morally wrong. Unjustifiable. It would make me into something I could not bear to be: a person driven by hate and anger and desperation to become a murderer. That, too, would ruin everything for me, in a different way.

There are some dilemmas that one cannot resolve alone, so I sought help. I don’t expect you know what an Ishaya is, do you? Neither did I, but I was lucky enough to find one and she’s changed my life. Lane. She is the wisest, kindest human being I’ve ever known. She is, in every way, a truly good person. Instead of condemning me for wanting to kill you, which would have made me angrier and more bitter than I was when I first sought her help, she told me she admired my passion, my commitment to the things I held dear. She persuaded me that killing you would be quite wrong not by making me feel ashamed, but by telling me it was completely understandable that I might have murderous impulses.

I don’t want to let down either Lane or myself. That’s why you’re still alive and will hopefully remain so. Thanks to Lane, also, I now have all the theory at my fingertips. I know the rules for living a pain-and anger-free life. I could preach all day long if I wanted to, and if I’m still unable to practise because the pain and anger remain lodged inside me and seemingly won’t be shifted, at least I’m in a better position than I was before. It’s a bit like having the perfect recipe, but being unable to bring oneself to set off to the supermarket to buy the ingredients.

Lane, in my position, wouldn’t want to kill you. I still do. In that sense, my sessions with her have failed, but in another more important way, they’ve succeeded. Because here I am, not killing you. Instead, I’m writing you a good old-fashioned letter explaining that I’ve decided to opt for teaching and preaching instead. Read the book I’ve sent you. That’s the lesson for now. What does that story tell you? What does it make you think? I will send you another story in due course – one of Lane’s next time, I think. The thing I love most about her is that she teaches through stories.

Yours,

A Secret Detractor (I suppose, since I’m certainly no admirer)

Chapter 6

6

7/1/2015