I buy a double espresso, carry it over to Gabe’s table and sit down. ‘So, are there really people out there who look at their romantic partners and don’t zoom straight in on the eyes in search of evidence of recent bonging?’

‘I’ll be able to give you a definitive answer once my Guardian Soulmates profile goes live,’ says Gabe. ‘That’s what I’ve said I’m looking for: an intelligent, sexy, funny, loyal woman with no narcotics-policing tendencies.’

Unfortunately, he’s joking. I wish he would look for someone else and stop lobbying to get me back.

‘I’m sure you and she will be idyllically happy together,’ I say. ‘Most people are on your side – they see nothing wrong with using marijuana to stupefy yourself day in, day out. Soon it’ll be fully legal everywhere. What a depressing thought.’

‘And yet, all these years later, I’m not stupefied, am I? All the things you said would happen to me – slower reactions, duller brain … See any evidence?’

‘No, but you’re relatively young. And I don’t want to live with a drug addict any more than I’d want to live with a man who was plotting to blow up St Paul’s Cathedral.’

‘What’s the connection?’

‘Vandalism – of yourself, of a beautiful building. It’s the same thing.’

‘Well, either that or it’s a totally different thing and you’re a fanatic.’ Gabe shrugs.

‘Yup. One or the other. The great thing is, we don’t have to have this argument any more. Now we’re apart, you can smoke as much weed as you want. I don’t care.’

Gabe runs his hands through his hair. ‘I hate us being apart. I want you back, Kim. I’m not going to give up.’

‘Oh – you left off the word “drugs” there. You’re not going to give up drugs. That’s why you’re not getting me back. Might as well face it, Gabe.’

‘What if I did give up the weed?’

I laugh. ‘What a brilliant idea! Why didn’t I think of that?’

‘You think I never will because I never did, but you’re wrong. I didn’t before because I didn’t believe you meant it when you threatened to leave me. Now I see you did. That changes everything.’

‘Gabe.’

‘Mm?’

‘I left you ages ago. Since then, have you smoked skunkweed every day?’

‘No.’

‘Oh, fuck off. Gone back to lying about it, have you?’

‘I’m not lying! I bought a vaporiser – treated myself, to cheer me up after getting dumped.’

‘Right. A machine that allows you to ingest the same amount of weed while also indulging your passion for new gadgets.’

Gabe grins and nods. ‘Also, it’s much easier on the lungs. Not at all carcinogenic – which was one of your issues, wasn’t it, body-vandalism-wise?’