CORNELIUS:

Yes, Mr. Vandergelder.

VANDERGELDER:

This morning I’m joining my lodge parade and this afternoon I’m going to New York. Before I go, I have something important to say to you and Barnaby. Good news. Fact is—I’m going to promote you. How old are you?

CORNELIUS:

Thirty-three, Mr. Vandergelder.

VANDERGELDER:

What?

CORNELIUS:

Thirty-three.

VANDERGELDER:

That all? That’s a foolish age to be at. I thought you were forty.

CORNELIUS:

Thirty-three.

VANDERGELDER:

A man’s not worth a cent until he’s forty. We just pay ’em wages to make mistakes—don’t we, Joe?

JOE:

You almost lost an ear on it, Mr. Vandergelder.

VANDERGELDER:

I was thinking of promoting you to chief clerk.

CORNELIUS:

What am I now, Mr. Vandergelder?

VANDERGELDER:

You’re an impertinent fool, that’s what you are. Now, if you behave yourself, I’ll promote you from impertinent fool to chief clerk, with a raise in your wages. And Barnaby may be promoted from idiot apprentice to incompetent clerk.

CORNELIUS:

Thank you, Mr. Vandergelder.

VANDERGELDER:

However, I want to see you again before I go. Go in and get my niece’s trunk.

CORNELIUS:

Yes, Mr. Vandergelder.

Exit CORNELIUS, left.

VANDERGELDER:

Joe—the world’s getting crazier every minute. Like my father used to say: the horses’ll be taking over the world soon.

JOE:

Presenting mirror.

I did what I could, Mr. Vandergelder, what with you flying in and out of the chair.

He wipes last of the soap from Vandergelder’s face.

VANDERGELDER:

Fine, fine. Joe, you do a fine job, the same fine job you’ve done me for twenty years. Joe . . . I’ve got special reasons for looking my best today . . . isn’t there something a little extry you could do, something a little special? I’ll pay you right up to fifty cents—see what I mean? Do some of those things you do to the young fellas. Touch me up; smarten me up a bit.

JOE:

All I know is fifteen cents’ worth, like usual, Mr. Vandergelder; and that includes everything that’s decent to do to a man.

VANDERGELDER:

Now hold your horses, Joe—all I meant was . . .

JOE:

I’ve shaved you for twenty years and you never asked me no such question before.

VANDERGELDER:

Hold your horses, I say, Joe! I’m going to tell you a secret. But I don’t want you telling it to that riffraff down to the barbershop what I’m going to tell you now. All I ask of you is a little extry because I’m thinking of getting married again; and this very afternoon I’m going to New York to call on my intended, a very refined lady.

JOE:

Your gettin’ married is none of my business, Mr. Vandergelder. I done everything to you I know, and the charge is fifteen cents like it always was, and . . .

CORNELIUS crosses, left to right, and exit, carrying a trunk on his shoulder. ERMENGARDE and GERTRUDE enter from left.

I don’t dye no hair, not even for fifty cents I don’t!

VANDERGELDER:

Joe Scanlon, get out!