Enter CORNELIUS from the kitchen.

CORNELIUS:

Oh, Miss Van Huysen . . .

ERMENGARDE:

Why, Mr. Hack—!!

CORNELIUS:

Sliding up to her, urgently.

Not yet! I’ll explain. I’ll explain everything.

MISS VAN H.:

Mr. Kemper!—Mr. Kemper! This is Mr. Cornelius Hackl.

To Ambrose.

Mr. Hackl, this is Mr. Ambrose Kemper.

Pause, while the men glare at one another.

Perhaps you two know one another?

AMBROSE:

No!

CORNELIUS:

No, we don’t.

AMBROSE:

Hotly.

Miss Van Huysen, I know that man is not Ambrose Kemper.

CORNELIUS:

Ditto.

And he’s not Cornelius Hackl.

MISS VAN H.:

My dear young men, what does it matter what your names are? The important thing is that you are you.

To Ambrose.

You are alive and breathing, aren’t you, Mr. Hackl?

Pinches Ambrose’s left arm.

AMBROSE:

Ouch, Miss Van Huysen.

MISS VAN H.:

This dear child imagines she is Horace Vandergelder’s niece Ermengarde.

ERMENGARDE:

But I am.

MISS VAN H.:

The important thing is that you’re all in love. Everything else is illusion.

She pinches Cornelius’ arm.

CORNELIUS:

Ouch! Miss Van Huysen!

MISS VAN H.:

Comes down and addresses the audience.

Everybody keeps asking me if I’m Miss Van Huys . . .

She seems suddenly to be stricken with doubt as to who she is; her face shows bewildered alarm. She pinches herself on the upper arm and is abruptly and happily relieved.

Now, you two gentlemen sit down and have a nice chat while this dear child has a good hot bath.

The doorbell rings ERMENGARDE exit, MISS VAN HUYSEN about to follow her, but stops. Enter COOK.

COOK:

There’s the doorbell again.

MISS VAN H.:

Well, answer it.

She and ERMENGARDE exit to kitchen.

COOK:

At window, very happy about all these guests.

It’s a cab and three ladies. I never saw such a night.

Exit to front door.

MISS VAN H.:

Gentlemen, you can rest easy. I’ll see that Mr. Vandergelder lets his nieces marry you both.

Enter MRS. LEVI.

MRS. LEVI:

Flora, how are you?

MISS VAN H.:

Dolly Gallagher! What brings you here?

MRS. LEVI:

Great Heavens, Flora, what are those two drunken men doing in your hall?

MISS VAN H.:

I don’t know. Horace Vandergelder sent them to me.

MRS. LEVI:

Well, I’ve brought you two girls in much the same condition. Otherwise they’re the finest girls in the world.

She goes up to the door and leads in MRS. MOLLOY. MINNIE follows.

I want you to meet Irene Molloy and Minnie Fay.

MISS VAN H.:

Delighted to know you.

MRS. LEVI:

Oh, I see you two gentlemen are here, too. Mr. Hackl, I was about to look for you

Pointing about the room.

somewhere here.

CORNELIUS:

No, Mrs. Levi. I’m ready to face anything now.

MRS. LEVI:

Mr. Vandergelder will be here in a minute. He’s downstairs trying to pay for a cab without any money.

MRS. MOLLOY:

Holding Vandergelder’s purse.

Oh, I’ll help him.

MRS. LEVI:

Yes, will you, dear? You had to pay the restaurant bills. You must have hundreds of dollars there it seems.