MRS. MOLLOY:

This is his own purse he lost. I can’t give it back to him without seeming . . .

MRS. LEVI:

I’ll give it back to him.—There, you help him with this now.

She gives Mrs. Molloy a bill and puts the purse airily under her arm.

VANDERGELDER:

Off.

Will somebody please pay for this cab?

MRS. MOLLOY exits to front door.

MRS. MOLLOY:

Off stage.

I’ll take care of that, Mr. Vandergelder.

As MR. VANDERGELDER enters, MALACHI and the CABMAN follow him in. VANDERGELDER carries overcoat, stick and box of chocolates.

CABMAN:

Fifteen dollars, Mr. Vandergelder.

MALACHI:

Hello, Mr. Vandergelder.

VANDERGELDER:

To Malachi.

You’re discharged!

To Cabman.

You too!

MALACHI and CABMAN go out and wait in the ball.

So I’ve caught up with you at last!

To Ambrose.

I never want to see you again!

To Cornelius.

You’re discharged! Get out of the house, both of you.

He strikes sofa with his stick; a second after, MISS VAN HUYSEN strikes him on the shoulder with a folded newspaper or magazine.

MISS VAN H.:

Forcefully.

Now then you. Stop ordering people out of my house. You can shout and carry on in Yonkers, but when you’re in my house you’ll behave yourself.

VANDERGELDER:

They’re both dishonest scoundrels.

MISS VAN H.:

Take your hat Off. Gentlemen, you stay right where you are.

CORNELIUS:

Mr. Vandergelder, I can explain—

MISS VAN H.:

There aren’t going to be any explanations. Horace, stop scowling at Mr. Kemper and forgive him.

VANDERGELDER:

That’s not Kemper, that’s a dishonest rogue named Cornelius Hackl.

MISS VAN H.:

You’re crazy.

Points to Ambrose.

That’s Cornelius Hackl.

VANDERGELDER:

I guess I know my own chief clerk.

MISS VAN H.:

I don’t care what their names are. You shake hands with them both, or out you go.

VANDERGELDER:

Shake hands with those dogs and scoundrels!

MRS. LEVI:

Mr. Vandergelder, you’ve had a hard day. You don’t want to go out in the rain now. Just for form’s sake, you shake hands with them. You can start quarreling with them tomorrow.

VANDERGELDER:

Gives CORNELIUS one finger to shake.

There! Don’t regard that as a handshake.

He turns to AMBROSE, who mockingly offers him one finger.

Hey! I never want to see you again.

MRS. MOLLOY enters from front door.

MRS. MOLLOY:

Miss Van Huysen.

MISS VAN H.:

Yes, dear?

MRS. MOLLOY:

Do I smell coffee?

MISS VAN H.:

Yes, dear.

MRS. MOLLOY:

Can I have some, good and black?

MISS VAN H.:

Come along, everybody. We’ll all go into the kitchen and have some coffee.

As they all go:

Horace, you’ll be interested to know there are two Ermengardes in there. . . .

VANDERGELDER:

Two!!

Last to go is MINNIE, who revolves about the room dreamily waltzing, a finger on her forehead. MRS. LEVI has been standing at one side. She now comes forward, in thoughtful mood, MINNIE continues her waltz round the left sofa and out to the kitchen.

MRS. LEVI, left alone, comes to front, addressing an imaginary Ephraim.