COOK pushes MALACHI and CABMAN into the hall.

CORNELIUS:

Ma’am, we’re not the people you’re expecting, and there’s no reason . . .

MISS VAN H.:

Mr. Kemper, I’m not the tyrant you think I am. . . . You don’t have to be afraid of me. . . . I know you’re trying to run away with this innocent girl. . . . All my life I have suffered from the interference of others. You shall not suffer as I did. So put yourself entirely in my hands.

She lifts Barnaby’s veil.

Ermengarde!

Kisses him on both cheeks.

Where’s your luggage?

BARNABY:

It’s—uh—uh—it’s . . .

CORNELIUS:

Oh, I’ll find it in the morning. It’s been mislaid.

MISS VAN H.:

Mislaid! How like life! Well, Ermengarde; you shall put on some of my clothes.

BARNABY:

Oh, I know I wouldn’t be happy, really.

MISS VAN H.:

She’s a shy little thing, isn’t she? Timid little darling! . . . Cook! Put some gingerbread in the oven and get the coffee ready . . .

COOK:

Yes, ma’am.

Exits to kitchen.

MISS VAN H.:

. . . while I go and draw a good hot bath for Ermengarde.

CORNELIUS:

Oh, oh—Miss Van Huysen . . .

MISS VAN H.:

Believe me, Ermengarde, your troubles are at an end. You two will be married tomorrow.

To Barnaby.

My dear, you look just like I did at your age, and your sufferings have been as mine. While you’re bathing, I’ll come and tell you the story of my life.

BARNABY:

Oh, I don’t want to take a bath. I always catch cold.

MISS VAN H.:

No, dear, you won’t catch cold. I’ll slap you all over. I’ll be back in a minute.

Exit.

CORNELIUS:

Looking out of window.

Barnaby, do you think we could jump down from this window?

BARNABY:

Yes—we’d kill ourselves.

CORNELIUS:

We’ll just have to stay here and watch for something to happen. Barnaby, the situation’s desperate.

BARNABY:

It began getting desperate about half-past four and it’s been getting worse ever since. Now I have to take a bath and get slapped all over.

Enter MISS VAN HUYSEN from kitchen.

MISS VAN H.:

Ermengarde, you’ve still got those wet things on. Your bath’s nearly ready. Mr. Kemper, you come into the kitchen and put your feet in the oven.

The doorbell rings. Enter COOK.

What’s that? It’s the doorbell. I expect it’s your uncle.

COOK:

There’s the doorbell.

At window.

It’s another man and a girl in a cab!

MISS VAN H.:

Well, go and let them in, Cook. Now, come with me, you two. Come, Ermengarde.

Exit COOK. MISS VAN HUYSEN drags CORNELIUS and the protesting BARNABY off into the kitchen.

COOK:

Off.

No, that’s impossible. Come in, anyway.

Enter ERMENGARDE, followed by AMBROSE, carrying the two pieces of luggage.

There’s some mistake. I’ll tell Miss Van Huysen, but there’s some mistake.

ERMENGARDE:

But, I tell you, I am Mr. Vandergelder’s niece; I’m Ermengarde.

COOK:

Beg your pardon, Miss, but you can’t be Miss Ermengarde.