CORNELIUS:

They will.

BARNABY sits at chair left; MINNIE in chair back to audience.

Enter RUDOLPH from service door.

RUDOLPH:

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

CORNELIUS:

Shaking his hand.

How are you, Fritz? How are you, my friend?

RUDOLPH:

I am Rudolph.

CORNELIUS:

Of course. Rudolph, of course. Well, Rudolph, these ladies want a little something to eat—you know what I mean? Just if you can find the time—we know how busy you are.

MRS. MOLLOY:

Cornelius, there’s no need to be so familiar with the waiter.

Takes menu from RUDOLPH.

CORNELIUS:

Oh, yes, there is.

MRS. MOLLOY:

Passing menu across.

Minnie, what do you want to eat?

MINNIE:

Just anything, Irene.

MRS. MOLLOY:

No, speak up, Minnie. What do you want?

MINNIE:

No, really, I have no appetite at all.

Swings round in her chair and studies the menu, horrified at the prices.

Oh . . . Oh . . . I’d like some sardines on toast and a glass of milk.

CORNELIUS:

Takes menu from her.

Great grindstones! What a sensible girl. Barnaby, shake Minnie’s hand. She’s the most sensible girl in the world. Rudolph, bring us gentlemen two glasses of beer, a loaf of bread and some cheese.

MRS. MOLLOY:

Takes menu.

I never heard such nonsense. Cornelius, we’ve come here for a good dinner and a good time. Minnie, have you ever eaten pheasant?

MINNIE:

Pheasant? No-o-o-o!

MRS. MOLLOY:

Rudolph, have you any pheasant?

RUDOLPH:

Yes, ma’am. Just in from New Jersey today.

MRS. MOLLOY:

Even the pheasants are leaving New Jersey.

She laughs loudly, pushing CORNELIUS, then RUDOLPH; not from menu.

Now, Rudolph, write this down: mock turtle soup; pheasant; mashed chestnuts; green salad; and some nice red wine.

RUDOLPH repeats each item after her.

CORNELIUS:

Losing all his fears, boldly.

All right, Barnaby, you watch me.

He reads from the bill of fare.

Rudolph, write this down: Neapolitan ice cream; hothouse peaches; champagne . . .

ALL:

Champagne!

BARNABY spins round in his chair.

CORNELIUS:

Holds up a finger.

. . . and a German band. Have you got a German band?

MRS. MOLLOY:

No, Cornelius, I won’t let you be extravagant. Champagne, but no band. Now, Rudolph, be quick about this. We’re hungry.

Exit RUDOLPH to kitchen. MRS. MOLLOY crosses to right.

Minnie, come upstairs. I have an idea about your hair. I think it’d be nice in two wee horns—

MINNIE:

Hurrying after her, turns and looks at the boys.

Oh! Horns!

They go out right.

There is a long pause. CORNELIUS sits staring after them.

BARNABY:

Cornelius, in the Army, you have to peel potatoes all the time.

CORNELIUS:

Not turning.

Oh, that doesn’t matter. By the time we get out of jail we can move right over to the Old Men’s Home.

Another waiter, AUGUST, enters from service door bearing a bottle of champagne in cooler, and five glasses. MRS. MOLLOY re-enters right, followed by MINNIE, and stops AUGUST.

MRS. MOLLOY:

Waiter! What’s that? What’s that you have?

AUGUST:

Young waiter; baby face; is continually bursting into tears.