VANDERGELDER:

It’s perfectly honest business. Perfectly honest.

MALACHI:

Every man’s the best judge of his own honesty.

VANDERGELDER:

The young lady is my niece.

The CABMAN laughs, skeptically.

The young lady is my niece!!

The CABMAN looks at Malachi and shrugs.

She’s trying to run away with a good-for-nothing and we’re preventing it.

CABMAN:

Oh, I know them, sir. They’ll win in the end. Rivers don’t run uphill.

MALACHI:

What did I tell you, Mr. Vandergelder? Advice of a cabman.

VANDERGELDER:

Hits table with his stick.

Stack! I’ll be back in half an hour. See that the table’s set for three. See that nobody else eats here. Then go and join the cabman on the box.

MALACHI:

Yes, sir.

Exit VANDERGELDER right

CABMAN:

Who’s your friend?

MALACHI:

Friend!! That’s not a friend; that’s an employer I’m trying out for a few days.

CABMAN:

You won’t like him.

MALACHI:

I can see you’re in business for yourself because you talk about liking employers. No one’s ever liked an employer since business began.

CABMAN:

AW—!

MALACHI:

No, sir. I suppose you think your horse likes you?

CABMAN:

My old Clementine? She’d give her right feet for me.

MALACHI:

That’s what all employers think. You imagine it. The streets of New York are full of cab horses winking at one another. Let’s go in the kitchen and get some whiskey. I can’t push people into houses when I’m sober. No, I’ve had about fifty employers in my life, but this is the most employer of them all. He talks to everybody as though he were paying them.

CABMAN:

I had an employer once. He watched me from eight in the morning until six at night—just sat there and watched me. Oh, dear! Even my mother didn’t think I was as interesting as that.

CABMAN exits through service door.

MALACHI:

Following him off.

Yes, being employed is like being loved: you know that somebody’s thinking about you the whole time.

Exits.

Enter right, MRS. MOLLOY, MINNIE, BARNABY and CORNELIUS.

MRS. MOLLOY:

See! Here’s the place I meant! Isn’t it fine? Minnie, take off your things; we’ll be here for hours.

CORNELIUS:

Stopping at door.

Mrs. Molloy, are you sure you’ll like it here? I think I feel a draught.

MRS. MOLLOY:

Indeed, I do like it. We’re going to have a fine dinner right in this room; it’s private, and it’s elegant. Now we’re all going to forget our troubles and call each other by our first names. Cornelius! Call the waiter.

CORNELIUS:

Wait—wait—I can’t make a sound. I must have caught a cold on that ride. Wai—No! It won’t come.

MRS. MOLLOY:

I don’t believe you. Barnaby, you call him.

BARNABY:

Boldly.

Waiter! Waiter!

CORNELIUS threatens him. BARNABY runs left.

MINNIE:

I never thought I’d be in such a place in my whole life. Mrs. Molloy, is this what they call a “café”?

MRS. MOLLOY:

Sits at table left, facing audience.

Yes, this a café. Sit down, Minnie. Cornelius, Mrs. Levi gave us to understand that every waiter in New York knew you.