AMBROSE:

He’s got no heart to break!

MRS. LEVI:

Vainly signaling.

Mr. Vandergelder’s a much kinder man than you think.

AMBROSE:

Kinder? He’s a wolf.

MRS. LEVI:

Remember that he leads a very lonely life. Now you’re going to have dinner upstairs. There are some private rooms up there,—just meant for shy timid girls like Ermengarde. Come with me.

She pushes the young people out left, AMBROSE carrying the luggage.

VANDERGELDER:

Coming forward.

I’ll show them!

He sits at table right.

MALACHI:

Everybody should eavesdrop once in a while, I always say. There’s nothing like eavesdropping to show you that the world outside your head is different from the world inside your head.

VANDERGELDER:

Producing a pencil and paper.

I want to write a note. Go and call that cabman in here. I want to talk to him.

MALACHI:

No one asks advice of a cabman, Mr. Vandergelder. They see so much of life that they have no ideas left.

VANDERGELDER:

Do as I tell you.

MALACHI:

Yes, sir. Advice of a cabman!

Exit right.

VANDERGELDER writes his letter.

VANDERGELDER:

“My dear Miss Van Huysen”—

To audience:

Everybody’s dear in a letter. It’s enough to make you give up writing ’em. “My dear Miss Van Huysen. This is Ermengarde and that rascal Ambrose Kemper. They are trying to run away. Keep them in your house until I come.”

MALACHI returns with an enormous CABMAN in a high hat and a long coat. He carries a whip.

CABMAN:

Entering.

What’s he want?

VANDERGELDER:

I want to talk to you.

CABMAN:

I’m engaged. I’m waiting for my parties.

VANDERGELDER:

Folding letter and writing address.

I know you are. Do you want to earn five dollars?

CABMAN:

Eh?

VANDERGELDER:

I asked you, do you want to earn five dollars?

CABMAN:

I don’t know. I never tried.

VANDERGELDER:

When those parties of yours come downstairs, I want you to drive them to this address. Never mind what they say, drive them to this address. Ring the bell: give this letter to the lady of the house: see that they get in the door and keep them there.

CABMAN:

I can’t make people go into a house if they don’t want to.

VANDERGELDER:

Producing purse.

Can you for ten dollars?

CABMAN:

Even for ten dollars, I can’t do it alone.

VANDERGELDER:

This fellow here will help you.

MALACHI:

Sitting at table left.

Now I’m pushing people into houses.

VANDERGELDER:

There’s the address: Miss Flora Van Huysen, 8 Jackson Street.

CABMAN:

Even if I get them in the door I can’t be sure they’ll stay there.

VANDERGELDER:

For fifteen dollars you can.

MALACHI:

Murder begins at twenty-five.

VANDERGELDER:

Hold your tongue!

To cabman.

The lady of the house will help you. All you have to do is to sit in the front hall and see that the man doesn’t run off with the girl. I’ll be at Miss Van Huysen’s in an hour or two and I’ll pay you then.

CABMAN:

If they call the police, I can’t do anything.