AMBROSE:

But I’m telling you we’re going to get married!

ERMENGARDE:

Married! But what would Uncle say?

AMBROSE:

We don’t care what Uncle’d say—we’re eloping.

ERMENGARDE:

Ambrose Kemper! How can you use such an awful word!

AMBROSE:

Ermengarde, you have the soul of a field mouse.

ERMENGARDE:

Crying.

Ambrose, why do you say such cruel things to me?

Enter MRS. LEVI, from the street, right. She stands listening.

AMBROSE:

For the last time I beg you—get your hat and coat. The train leaves in a few minutes. Ermengarde, we’ll get married tomorrow. . . .

ERMENGARDE:

Oh, Ambrose! I see you don’t understand anything about weddings. Ambrose, don’t you respect me? . . .

MRS. LEVI:

Uncertain age; mass of sandy hair; impoverished elegance; large, shrewd but generous nature, an assumption of worldly cynicism conceals a tireless amused enjoyment of life. She carries a handbag and a small brown paper bag.

Good morning, darling girl—how are you?

They kiss.

ERMENGARDE:

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Levi.

MRS. LEVI:

And who is this gentleman who is so devoted to you?

ERMENGARDE:

This is Mr. Kemper, Mrs. Levi. Ambrose, this is . . . Mrs. Levi . . . she’s an old friend. . . .

MRS. LEVI:

Mrs. Levi, born Gallagher. Very happy to meet you, Mr. Kemper.

AMBROSE:

Good morning, Mrs. Levi.

MRS. LEVI:

Mr. Kemper, the artist! Delighted! Mr. Kemper, may I say something very frankly?

AMBROSE:

Yes, Mrs. Levi.

MRS. LEVI:

This thing you were planning to do is a very great mistake.

ERMENGARDE:

Oh, Mrs. Levi, please explain to Ambrose—of course! I want to marry him, but to elope! . . . How . . .

MRS. LEVI:

Now, my dear girl, you go in and keep one eye on your uncle. I wish to talk to Mr. Kemper for a moment. You give us a warning when you hear your Uncle Horace coming. . . .

ERMENGARDE:

Ye-es, Mrs. Levi.

Exit ERMENGARDE, back center.

MRS. LEVI:

Mr. Kemper, I was this dear girl’s mother’s oldest friend. Believe me, I am on your side. I hope you two will be married very soon, and I think I can be of real service to you. Mr. Kemper, I always go right to the point.

AMBROSE:

What is the point, Mrs. Levi?

MRS. LEVI:

Mr. Vandergelder is a very rich man, Mr. Kemper, and Ermengarde is his only relative.

AMBROSE:

But I am not interested in Mr. Vandergelder’s money. I have enough to support a wife and family.

MRS. LEVI:

Enough? How much is enough when one is thinking about children and the future? The future is the most expensive luxury in the world, Mr. Kemper.

AMBROSE:

Mrs. Levi, what is the point.

MRS. LEVI:

Believe me, Mr. Vandergelder wishes to get rid of Ermengarde, and if you follow my suggestions he will even permit her to marry you. You see, Mr. Vandergelder is planning to get married himself.

AMBROSE:

What? That monster!

MRS. LEVI:

Mr. Kemper!

AMBROSE:

Married! To you, Mrs. Levi?