VANDERGELDER:

Not so fast, not so fast! What’s this “your honor” you use so much?

MALACHI:

Mr. Van Tuyl says you’re President of the Hudson River Provision Dealers’ Recreational, Musical and Burial Society.

VANDERGELDER:

I am; but there’s no “your honor” that goes with it. Why did you come to Yonkers?

MALACHI:

I heard that you’d had an apprentice that was a good-for-nothing, and that you were at your wit’s end for another.

VANDERGELDER:

Wit’s end, wit’s end! There’s no dearth of good-for-nothing apprentices.

MALACHI:

That’s right, Mr. Vandergelder. It’s employers there’s a dearth of. Seems like you hear of a new one dying every day.

VANDERGELDER:

What’s that? Hold your tongue. I see you’ve been a barber, and a valet too. Why have you changed your place so often?

MALACHI:

Changed my place, Mr. Vandergelder? When a man’s interested in experience . . .

VANDERGELDER:

Do you drink?

MALACHI:

No, thanks. I’ve just had breakfast.

VANDERGELDER:

I didn’t ask you whether—Idiot! I asked you if you were a drunkard.

MALACHI:

No, sir! No! Why, looking at it from all sides I don’t even like liquor.

VANDERGELDER:

Well, if you keep on looking at it from all sides, out you go. Remember that. Here.

Gives him remaining letters.

With all your faults, I’m going to give you a try.

MALACHI:

You’ll never regret it, Mr. Vandergelder. You’ll never regret it.

VANDERGELDER:

Now today I want to use you in New York. I judge you know your way around New York?

MALACHI:

Do I know New York? Mr. Vandergelder, I know every hole and corner in New York.

VANDERGELDER:

Here’s a dollar. A train leaves in a minute. Take that bag to the Central Hotel on Water Street, have them save me a room. Wait for me. I’ll be there about four o’clock.

MALACHI:

Yes, Mr. Vandergelder.

Picks up the bag, starts out, then comes back.

Oh, but first, I’d like to meet the other clerks I’m to work with.

VANDERGELDER:

You haven’t time. Hurry now. The station’s across the street.

MALACHI:

Yes, sir.

Away—then back once more.

You’ll see, sir, you’ll never regret it. . . .

VANDERGELDER:

I regret it already. Go on. Off with you.

Exit MALACHI, right.

The following speech is addressed to the audience. During it MR. VANDERGELDER takes off his dressing gown, puts on his scarlet sash, his sword and his bright-colored coat. He is already wearing light blue trousers with a red stripe down the sides.

VANDERGELDER: