I pull myself together as best as I can. He’s watching me with such tenderness that I want to cry. No one but Lucy has cared about me like this since Jordan died.

“It’s okay. I can do this.”

He makes a face. “May…”

I shake my head. “I swear. I’m okay.” I put my hand over his. “It’s not like she has any idea who I am, right? I’ll just pretend I’m some random girl you know from school and leave it at that.”

He grimaces. “You don’t know my mom very well….She never just lets things lie.”

I force a laugh. “Your mom doesn’t know me very well. Why do you think Rose-Brady kicked me out last year? After they carried me out of that closet, I promised myself I’d never let people intimidate me or back me into a corner ever again.” I wipe my eyes and put on my best resting bitch face. “I’m good. Let’s go.” I stand and hold out a hand for him.

—

When we walk back into the kitchen, Michelle Teller is there.

Michelle Teller.

Here.

In front of me.

I want to cry.

She’s standing in the kitchen, talking to Zach’s dad. They sound tense. I realize with a jolt that I’ve never seen her in person. She looks different than she does in photos. Smaller. Less like the Antichrist’s little helper and more like a normal, tired, overwhelmed mother. It’s unsettling.

She greets me with a wan smile and a hello, like I’m just another one of Zach’s friends. Like I’m anyone. Like I’m not about to explode all over her kitchen floor. I force a hello out of my mouth. A Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Michelle Teller.

The biggest lie I’ve ever told.

Then Zach’s dad is all Well, everyone, time to eat! All jolly and shit, like we’re just one big happy family. He doesn’t seem to notice that his wife looks exhausted. That his son looks like he wants to scream.

I can’t even imagine what I look like.