If I was mentally at my worst, there was something that wouldn’t leave me alone about physically being stronger. The thought of lifting weights and doing squats was exciting. Being all knees and elbows (thanks, Dad), losing weight came easily, but I knew my core strength was non-existent, and that I could barely use my spindly arms to push up off the sofa, let alone do a push-up properly.

This is a thing I can control, I thought, and so I spent another twenty-four hours trying to build up my courage to go in and sign up for a taster class. I can’t control anything else, but I can control getting stronger, I reasoned. I can control that.

Kezza was right – it did almost kill me. After my taster session I signed up for ten more, heady off the dopamine and serotonin a good sweat session can foster. It was like being high. I’d not been very good, but it had been so dark and loud, and everyone else had been so focused on themselves, that I’d returned the next morning. I’d ached, but felt oddly determined. Maybe it was being somewhere new, doing something that Alexander would have no idea about. The Annie he knew didn’t go to bootcamp, but he’d given up any right he’d once had to know anything about me. I’d progressed from shock to outright anger. I told myself I didn’t even care where he was. Screw him, was my mantra. I wasn’t sad now. I was furious.

Barry’s teemed with incredibly fit people, literally and figuratively. I’d never seen so many toned and tanned bodies in one place – I suppose everyone must have been away in the summer and had the bronzed skin to show for it. I mostly kept my head down and ducked in and out as quickly as I could, but on the way into my third class I sensed the eyes of a man on me, and when I looked up his face was inquisitive. I scowled at him, just in case. I didn’t want to speak or be spoken to. In fact, I hadn’t talked to anyone except my family and Adzo. I couldn’t face it. My phone was still off, and I was working up to seeing the Core Four, even. It was the anonymity at Barry’s that I enjoyed; screaming and sprinting and lifting with fifty other people doing the same, and then swiftly getting back home again. It helped.