He nodded. ‘She’d have loved it here,’ he offered. ‘I don’t know why I got so mad when you talked about Alexander, because Mala has been on my mind like crazy. I’m starting to wonder if that’s just part of moving on.’

I stayed quiet, careful to let his train of thought keep going.

‘I suppose you have to kind of look back to where you’ve come from to understand how to get where you’re going or something,’ he continued. ‘I can feel myself moving on and it’s like I’m cheating on her. And that makes me so sad. How can I feel so happy and so sad, both at the same time?’

I considered it. ‘There’s something my grandma used to say – my dad’s mum. I’ve not thought about this in ages actually, and I’m probably going to get this all muddled up but … she said that life’s highs and life’s lows are so entwined, the happiness and sorrow is so interconnected, that it’s impossible to ever just be totally happy or totally sad. It’s good and bad, light and dark. We want there to be a right thing, an ultimate happiness, a sort of destination where we’ve escaped all the crappy things in life. Like passing a test. But that’s not living. We can’t outrun crappy, awful, horrible stuff. So the job of our lives is to let it exist alongside the good stuff, making the good stuff so much sweeter. Does that make sense?’

Still looking out over the gardens he nodded. ‘It does,’ he admitted.

The jet of the jacuzzi gurgled like a feeding baby.

‘Being a widower isn’t fun,’ he said. ‘And the person I want to tell me how to deal with all this is the one person who can’t. I wish I could have her permission.’

‘Her permission?’

Softly, he said, ‘You know what I mean.’

And I didn’t until right when he said it.

‘Us?’ I asked.

He nodded again.

‘It’s there, isn’t it?’ he said. ‘It’s not just …’

‘Yeah,’ I replied, looking at him. ‘I think it is. But I don’t want you to feel bad about it.’

‘I feel bad that I don’t feel bad.’

That caught me by surprise. ‘I don’t know what to say to that.’

‘Me neither.’

Annie, take a chance, my inner voice gently said. It’s okay to want this.

‘Hey,’ I said. ‘Shall we robe up and explore these gardens? I promise this isn’t an elaborate ruse to get you in the naked sauna. But it could be nice?’

‘That does sound nice,’ he agreed, downing his glass and moving to help me out of the tub. ‘After you,’ he said, and he followed me, catching my hand as I walked away.

He spun me around.