I was never not aware of him. At dinner we started to choose seats next to each other at the bar rather than opting for a table where we’d sit opposite each other, ordering a drink and almost immediately necking. Patrick instinctively moved chairs in outdoor cafés so we’d sit side by side and look at the view, feet finding each other and knees knocking. On the ferry to Manly Beach it had been busy enough that we’d had to take seats a few rows apart, and I caught him staring at me. I’d looked out at the water and smiled into the breeze, appreciating the way my forearms had deepened in colour and enjoying the looseness in my shoulders and, thoughts of Patrick aside, the emptiness in my own brain. Sure, we spent a lot of time discussing travel itineraries and planning where to eat, but that was cool, day-to-day stuff. On that boat I couldn’t even remember what else there might be to worry about, only that worries existed somewhere, somehow – just not here, with me. It was then I’d sensed his eyes on me, and when I looked across he just grinned, stared, and then lifted a hand to wave.

I miss you, he mouthed, making me laugh even more. When we disembarked, he laced his fingers through mine and held on to me like he would never let go.

Darling Annie, Fernanda texted me, as we stopped for elevenses. I hope Sydney is a dream. Do let us know how you’re getting on when you get chance! You haven’t texted in a while. We’d love to see some more photos!

Fernanda messaged more often than my own family. Freddie had obviously returned to school with gusto, forgetting about her big sister – out of sight, out of mind. Mum and Dad didn’t stay in touch, but Fernanda continued to check in every few days, I think out of an anxiousness that she hadn’t sent me on a fool’s errand and that I really was enjoying myself. Shame flushed through me – I couldn’t exactly let her know just how much I was enjoying myself, could I? That, to be totally honest, yeah, Sydney was amazing, but my absolute favourite part of Sydney was probably Patrick’s mouth.

It had been so touching that she’d continued to check in and take an interest in the trip, but now things with Patrick were murkier I felt dishonest with her. I told her it was wonderful and sent snaps of the hotel, reiterating how much I loved her, and appreciated her.

You didn’t plan it, Kezza reminded me when I begged her for perspective. I held on to that truth. I hadn’t, after all. So why did I feel so bad whenever Fernanda pinged on my phone?

‘You okay?’ Patrick asked, noticing that I was lost in my messages.