"That's right. There've been thousands of sightings over the years, but the very first took place over fourteen hundred years ago, when Saint Columba traveled to the Highlands to bring Christianity to the native Picts. According to legend, a fearsome monster rose from the murky depths of Urquhart Bay and grabbed a native swimmer. The Saint raised his hand, and yelled, 'Thou shall go no further, nor touch the man,' and the monster released him, then returned to the deep."

The children oohed and ahhed, while I ground my teeth, wishing I had slept in.

"On our starboard side is the town of Drumnadrochit where the first modern-day Nessie sighting took place. Mr. and Mrs. Mackay, owners of the Drumnadrochit Hotel, were traveling along the A82 in 1933, just after it was built. From the road they saw a huge beastie rolling and plunging in the middle of the Loch. Soon, hundreds of other people reported similar sightings, and now the Loch attracts the attention of monster hunters the world over. Dozens of documentaries have been filmed on these waters, including a movie starring Ted Danson. We've also had our share of famous scientists visit the Loch, and today, ladies and gentlemen, I'm excited to say we've got us a very special treat …"

Oh shit!

"… exclusively, only on board the Nessie-III, is one of the world's top marine biologists …"

No, Brandy, don't do it…

"… the only man ever to witness a giant squid in its own habitat …"

Stupid bastard! See what happens when you think with the wrong side of your brain! You should've stayed in Inverness. You should've …

"… straight from the United States, by way of the Highlands, Drumnadrochit's own Dr. Zachary Wallace."

I opened my eyes to applause, my heart pounding like a timpani.

"Raise your hand for us, Dr. Wallace. Dr. Wallace? Come on, now, don't be shy."

I raised my hand, clutching the bottom of the bench with the other.

"I'm sure Dr. Wallace would be happy to answer any questions you might have, isn't that right, Doctor?"

In the corner of my left eye I saw Clay Jordan's older boy excitedly raise his hand. "Dr. Wallace, do you believe in Nessie?"

"No."

"Why not?" This from the gabby German woman.

My clenched throat managed, "Nessie's folklore."

Brandy rescued me, if only temporarily. "Oh… kay, tell ye what, if you could hold yer questions for Dr. Wallace a moment, we're just drifting by Urquhart Castle, one of the most popular sites on the Loch. Many famous photos of the monster have been taken from the shores of these castle ruins and—"

"Hey," called out a dark-haired Canadian woman, "isn't this the spot where that rich guy was murdered?"

"John Cialino, that's right," answered Wezzi Hoeymans, visiting from the Netherlands. "Maybe we'll see his body!"

Passengers followed the purple-haired youth to the starboard rail, snapping pictures of the shoreline like a bunch of ravenous paparazzi.