"Ye said ye'd do anythin', now ye can play first mate. When we get back, ye'll help clean the boat, then ye can take me tae Inverness for dinner."

Before I could negotiate, she removed her hooded sweatshirt, revealing tanned curves barely concealed behind a heart-stopping black floss bikini.

My left brain rolled over as the right sealed the deal.

* * *

Forty minutes and a triple dose of prescription pills later, my brain was buzzing like a bee as I undid the Nessie III's bowline, allowing the overcrowded vessel to push away from the dock. There were twenty- three passengers on a boat that legally held eighteen, but for all I could tell, it could have been a hundred.

Too unbalanced to stand, I wedged myself on the starboard-facing bench between an American fellow named Clay Jordan, who was with his German wife and two young sons, and a chatty woman named Bibi Zekl, a bookstore clerk on holiday with her husband, Stefan. In no time, the Nessie III was puttering south along the Loch, all eyes, save mine, focused on the water as we approached Urquhart Bay.

Brandy was in the wheelhouse, playing both boat captain and tour guide. Over two badly crackling loudspeakers she announced, "Welcome to the Highlands. In Scotland, we call lakes "lochs", and the biggest and deepest is Loch Ness, at over thirty-six kilometers long. That's twenty-three miles to our American guests. From Tor Point south, she averages a mile wide, with depths over one hundred and eighty meters, or six hundred feet. Amazingly, Loch Ness is deeper than even the North Sea.

"We're approaching Urquhart Bay on our starboard, or right side. Urquhart Bay is one of the deepest parts of the Loch, descending to depths of two hundred and forty meters, almost eight hundred feet.

"Loch Ness is one of four long, narrow lochs that run diagonally through the Scottish Highlands. Forty rivers and streams, what we call "burns", feed into Loch Ness, with only one, the River Ness, running out of the Loch and into the Moray Firth and the North Sea. Did ye know that Loch Ness holds more water than all the lakes and rivers in England and Wales combined? The water's extremely cold, about five degrees Celsius, and visibility's very poor. This is because of peat, which are particles of soil brought down from the rivers, giving the Loch an acidic taste. Of course, if yer gonnae drink it, we recommend addin' a shot o' cheap Scotch."

The German woman, Bibi, nudged me and laughed, wondering why I was taking the tour with my eyes squeezed shut behind my sunglasses.

"Now, who can tell me what Loch Ness is famous for?"

"The Loch Ness monster!"