Shawn, in particular, was wickedly funny and really livened up our sessions, which, if you ask me, risked getting a little self-serious at times. He was an incredible baker, and had actually won a reality television show for amateur cooks a couple of years earlier. I never watched it, but Leslie did, and was evidently a bit starstruck. He was constantly bringing in homemade confections like gluten-free carrot cake with cinnamon cream cheese icing, and vegan white chocolate fudge brownies. His true gift, though, was the exacting comic dissection of everyone and everything. Nothing eluded his notice. He would pick up on people’s little habits and foibles and tease them about it, though always in a way that made them laugh hardest of all, and always in a way that somehow highlighted his own shortcomings and neuroses. I also noticed that he had the ability to seem incredibly forthcoming, and yet somehow he never ended up revealing that much about himself. I never worked out, for instance, if he had a partner. I was never even particularly clear what he did for a living, other than ‘work in retail.’ And yet I always knew, in hilarious and intricate detail, the story of his last, ill-fated haircut, or visit to the dentist.

Mia, on the other hand, had a millennial righteousness that I found both admirable and intimidating. At her first meeting, she introduced herself and her gender pronouns—My name is Mia. I go by she, her, her. Emily and Nora had no idea what she was talking about, so she explained. And then everyone else, I suppose feeling a bit put on the spot, went around and introduced themselves the same way—Howard. He, him, his, and so on. Everyone except Damian. And to be honest, I was a little indignant at first too. I thought: take a look at this group, is this really necessary? But then I caught myself and thought—is this what it is to grow old? To become defensive and resentful when confronted by my own assumptions and biases? By new modes, new sensitivities? I couldn’t help but wonder what Ashley would make of this exercise. She and Mia would probably get on very well. Either way, Mia’s presence engendered a new self-consciousness around language and conduct within the group; which, for men as prone to micro-aggressions as Damian and Howard, was probably no bad thing. That’s not to say she stilted our dynamic, though. She made it more thoughtful and humane.