She shook her head—I don’t know.

You don’t know whether I’m a child sex offender?

She glanced around, as if worried neighbours might overhear, but frankly I couldn’t give a damn. Claire, I need to tell you that I saw you and Kyle once, waiting at a traffic light in your car. About an hour or so after school. It was down by San Mateo Road. I had just dropped off a package at the UPS office there, when I recognized your car. And then I saw that Kyle was in there with you, and I thought . . . well, that’s strange. And then I saw the way you two were laughing together. The way you were looking at him. And I thought . . . oh no. Oh no, there’s something happening here.

I made to say something but Cass held up her hand to stop me.

And whatever did or did not happen between you and Kyle, I don’t know, that is between you and God. But I will say this. In that moment, I knew. I thought—she’s in love with him. I could see it in your face. And I know you, Claire. I know you better than almost anyone else.

Cass fiddled with her car keys for a moment, before looking back up with an afflicted expression. And I didn’t say anything, she said. Because I was scared. Because . . . I’m a weak person, maybe. I don’t know. I regret it. I regret not confronting you about it. Or talking to Valeria about it. But that’s mine to carry.

I had nothing to say in my defence. I didn’t even feel particularly defensive. There was something strangely edifying in Cass’s clear-eyed recognition of my state, before I had recognized it myself. And yet, how could I explain to Cass that it was a love that superseded want, or need, or sexual desire, or any of the drives I had previously known to animate love. It was a love that fell beyond. A union of souls. A spiritual kinship. Was rape the only force we could imagine occupying such a powerful space between a grown woman and a boy who wasn’t her son?

Cass reached out, took hold of my hand, and gave it a little squeeze, as if saying goodbye to a dying patient. She told me to take care of myself. I nodded and watched her walk off down the curving stone walkway towards her car.

15