The lance of a thorn landed between Tedros’ legs.

“The finer art of hair care is not a priority when our world is on the line,” said Merlin, searing him with a stare. “Now let’s hear that voice before I really make you itch.”

Tedros crossed his arms. “My name is Essa,” he squawked in a shrilly, ear-piercing snoot.

“Goodness, it’s like a schoolmarm from Runyon Hills,” Merlin said, then saw Agatha giggling, her high-pitched cackles mismatching her male frame. Merlin raised his brows. “Really, you two could make a killing in the circus.”

“My name is Essa,” Tedros repeated angrily, even more strident and prim.

Agatha was laughing so hard she couldn’t speak. “You’re using too much nose! Breathe from your stomach!”

Tedros whipped back his hair. “What, you’re the expert on being a girl?”

Agatha stopped laughing. She stood up, looming over Tedros in her boy’s body. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you have the easy job, since you look and act like a boy most days anyway!” Tedros blared.

“Oh yeah?” Agatha shoved him with surprising force. “You think this is easy? My hips are so stiff I can barely walk, my Adam’s apple is the size of a small animal, my jaw feels wired shut, and now I’ll have to speak for the both of us, since you clearly can’t handle it.”

“Handle it? I’m the one rescuing Sophie, not you!”

“You can’t even say your own name!”

“I’m the prince and you’re the princess and rescuing our friend is my job. Just ask Merlin!” Tedros yelled, practically a shriek—

“Yes, now you’ve got it, boy,” Merlin spouted, not looking as he trimmed his beard with a thorn. “Sound perfectly female now.”

Tedros gaped at him.

Agatha burst into howls. “Hahahahahahahahahaha—”

Tedros tackled her.

“Boys can’t hit girls!” Agatha yelled, grabbing Tedros in a headlock.

“Lucky for you I’m not a boy!” Tedros shouted, flinging dirt into Agatha’s face—

A spell zapped them both, ricocheting them to opposite trees.

“This is the future King and Queen of Camelot? This is whom we’ve entrusted with our future?” Merlin lashed, no longer the friendly old guide. “My spies and I have risked everything so that you may rescue your best friend and find a happy ending that will save Good, old and new. Countless lives are in your childish, untrained hands, least of all yours, only you’re too busy argle-bargling and fiddle-faddling like two monkeys fighting over a spot to poo. So from now until it’s time to go through those gates, I don’t want to hear another word.”

Agatha and Tedros looked down sullenly, before Tedros’ peeked up. “Then can I be a boy again?”

Merlin gave him a black scowl and Tedros looked back down.

“Listen, both of you. My spies will arrive in less than five minutes to break you into school,” the wizard continued. “With guards on the roofs, fairies on the rounds, and who knows what else lurking about, you’ll have mere seconds to cross these gates without being caught.”