Silently, she reached into her purse and shook a plastic bag at me. She bent over and started collecting the spent butts. Then she went to Ellen’s side of the car and tapped on the window with two fingers, as politely as she’d done once to me. That same friendly smile. Ellen opened the door, pushing her legs out, sitting sideways. I could see her hands shaking in her lap in the moonlight.

Ellen, who had already threatened our livelihood once. Who I still owed money to. Who had taken slaps from the dead thing in the trunk because of me. She’d irritated me, and she’d fucked up, she’d killed a man, but wasn’t there some line I wouldn’t cross?

Lou’s hand was on her shoulder now, touching her hair, cupping her face. So kind. My Lou. So loving. Ellen’s trembling was starting to ease under her gentle fingertips.

Lou straightened and motioned me over, and Ellen turned to look at me. Her eyes were red, so swollen I wondered if she could see me, and Lou’s magic wore off—it wasn’t only her hands shaking; it was her whole body now. Like she was scared of me. How could she be scared of me? I would never actually hurt anyone.

Lou’s hands all over her, still.

And then I could hear the click of my own heels on the pavement, walking toward Lou with my arms outstretched, reaching for them both.

Chapter 16

I’m not normally this stupid, but I wanted to watch the sun come up over the ocean, because I was alive and I could. I could remember each toss and roll on the mattress, the buzz of the refrigerator like a live wire threading my veins, keeping me company. Even the hushed murmurs of the TV I switched on in the early hours couldn’t soothe me back to sleep. When you remember it, that’s not sleep. And I remembered every sleepless moment of that night.

It was a long enough walk from my apartment to the water that it made me feel warm and awake by the time I got there. I took my shoes off and trekked into the sand, the crystals smooth and sparkling as white sugar. A navy sky flickered with the jets taking off, and I sat there and looked at the gray-blue gush of the water for a long time. The curls of white spray like smoke over the waves. I’d gotten there early enough that dawn was still pinkening, rosy like the color of blood vessels popping in eyeballs.

No.

Rosy like the color of nipples or bubble gum or eyeballs or a sunrise, goddammit, that was all it looked like. Pink dawn, that was all I meant.