I let my fingers loose, trying only to throw the gun far enough that I could push her away from me and scramble for the door, but she was too quick, she caught my hand on the way, pinning my arm down and growling as she clutched at it, grabbing the gun from the ground and thumbing back the hammer, trying to hold me down and wriggle it away, both at the same time. But I was bigger than she was, too strong, and I flailed my free arm, trying to get her off me, and my fingers caught the tumbler on the bedside table, showering us both with stinging gin. I only meant to stun her, I only meant to give myself a fighting chance, which was all Lou had ever wanted for herself, too, a chance to take control of her life, but then I was bringing the tumbler down just above her ear and an unholy crack came from the side of her face, that beautiful face I couldn’t stand to look at anymore, crunching against the floor as a thin line of blood ran down from her skull, as she looked up at me, her eyes big with surprise and, oh God, sadness, and her mouth dropped wide and then there was a roaring coming out of her that was worse than anything, worse, even, than the rattle that had come out of Ellen in the back seat of the car, a syrupy herk, herk, as if she’d tried to will oxygen back into her lungs.

And then I was bringing the tumbler down against her head again because if I didn’t make that sound stop I really was going to go crazy and then it did stop and the only sound in the room was my ragged breathing.

“Lou?” I whispered, pushing her away from me. She didn’t move. She didn’t make a noise. Oh God, what had I done, I hadn’t meant to do it, I hadn’t really meant to do it. But there was a little voice in my head that disagreed, that had been screaming since I’d seen the suitcase, since I’d heard her say it, I love all my marks, a little, since even, maybe, Ellen.

I pressed a hand to my hammering heart and sat up, staring down at her slumped body. Stupid, stupid. Get out of here. When she wakes up in two minutes, you’ll have missed your shot.

But I didn’t listen to myself. I turned her over. Lou’s face was frozen, lips parted, the blood seeping slower now but still covering her face. Her open eyes. That perfect porcelain face, lifeless and cracked and red and white.