I felt as though all the things Patrick and Julia said about me being part of the family, one of them, really meant nothing. When things got tough, they hunkered down together and only let me in when all the drama had passed.

I pictured them, a war council of three, sitting round the table in Lathebridge, or in that Islington flat they’d kept hidden away. They’d be drinking good red wine and talking calmly about what to do. Did I even figure in the conversation?

Anya needed me now, yes. But she hadn’t told me any of the history with this Michael Copeland. She hadn’t come to me when he reappeared in her life and she hadn’t come to me when she pushed him off a cliff.

Pushed him off a cliff …

A bizarre yelp of twisted mirth erupted from my mouth. I had no idea where it came from. As a couple of heads turned my way with wary expressions, I had the insane urge to laugh like a lunatic at the ridiculous television-drama nature of this event.

‘I’m sorry,’ I pictured myself saying. ‘But my wife pushed her stalker off a cliff and I’ve only just found out.’ I could almost feel the words forming on my lips.

This was no good. I was going a bit mad here. I tapped out a message.

We’ll talk when I’m home but I need to get my head together. I do love you. X

I wanted to switch off my phone but first I began to scroll through London friends’ numbers.

Jamie and his wife had not long had a baby. I couldn’t impose on them.

My oldest school friend, Ant, was, I knew from Facebook, currently working at a school in Vietnam for a charity.

Clare and Stu were a couple I knew from working in a call centre while I did my degree. They lived in South London. I’d lost touch because Anya wasn’t that keen on Clare, who came from Newcastle and had a tendency to speak her mind when she’d had a drink.

I mentally scrolled through the friends I’d gone through the later years of school with and realized I hadn’t spoken to them in a long time. Didn’t that happen in most marriages, especially when you moved away? That you lost touch with your friends? I wasn’t even sure some of these numbers were current. People seemed to have fallen away since I met Anya. Had I really felt she was all I needed? When had I become that person?

I could feel my plan to keep some distance deflating by the second. Anyway, I had to get to work tomorrow.

I couldn’t face going home, but maybe I could go back to Casterbourne.