Anya wasn’t ‘better than me’, after all. This is a strange, unsettling thought. I guess if I have learned anything, it’s that remorse means something. You can never undo a terrible act. But you should at least carry its weight.

‘Daddy! Daddy!’

I am jolted from my gloomy reverie by small daughter, who is lying on her back and making angels in the sand with her chubby arms and legs. She is cackling like a lunatic as she does it and my heart is packed with love.

From a passing car I hear a blast of music – ‘Have a Nice Day’ by Stereophonics. I used to find this song thoroughly annoying because of its ubiquity. But now, I feel something that I can only describe as not exactly pleasure … but like the shadow of a familiar feeling I may have again.

I haven’t been able to listen to music since it happened. Every song had an association with Anya and our life together. It’s only now I realize how painfully I’ve missed it.

Perhaps I’ll get Spotify or Apple Music going again and try to find something new to listen to. A brand-new genre of music. I mean, I’ve never really given jazz much of a go.

There’s a teacher at school, Evie, who says she likes jazz. She’s very nice, and I think there is a possibility she likes me. Maybe it’s time I paid this more attention.

I have been living in the dark for so long. You could say, I was here even before my wife and my parents-in-law died; my marriage weighed down by secrets. Maybe it started that night when I was twelve and I played a part in Mrs Mack’s murder. This even resulted in a certain blindness on my part; an inability to see beyond my own guilty conscience.

But perhaps there comes a time when you have to give yourself a break and step back into the light.

I walk over to Livi and lift her from the sand, then hold her squirming body high in the air, turning her in circles in the air. Sand tinkles gently onto me and she laughs and laughs, hands outstretched, her halo of red hair caught by the late afternoon sunshine.

Acknowledgements

Considering what dark imaginations they all have, the crime writing community is such a supportive and kind place. I think that with this book more than any other, they helped get me to the finish line.

Aside from the daily laughs, gossip and support, I had expert advice from the writerly ex-cops I know. Thank you so much, Clare Mackintosh and Rebecca Bradbury, who assisted me with the authenticity of certain scenes. I owe a massive debt to Katerina Diamond, who came up with the book’s title. I couldn’t quite find the right one this time, but as soon as she said, ‘What about The Killer Inside?’ everyone went, ‘Ah …’