Chapters (59)
- Contents
- In Which We Find Ourselves in Hell, but Only Temporarily, So It’s Not All Bad News
- In Which We Learn a Little About How Hard It Is to Be in Love
- In Which We Delve Deeper into the Bowels of Hell, Which Is One of Those Chapter Headings That Make Parents Worry About the Kind of Books Their Children Are Reading
- In Which We Reacquaint Ourselves with Nurd, formerly “Nurd, The Scourge of Five Deities,” Which Was All Something of a Misunderstanding, Really
- In Which We Encounter Mr. Merryweather’s Dwarfs—or Elves—and Rather Wish We Hadn’t
- In Which Samuel Is Reunited with Boswell, and We Learn Why One Should Not Trust a Mirror
- In Which We Pay a Visit to Mrs. Abernathy’s House. Which Is Nice. Not.
- VIII
- In Which We Wonder Just How Smart Really Smart People Sometimes Are
- In Which Mr. Merryweather’s Elves Embark on a New Adventure
- In Which Mr. Merryweather’s Dwarfs Make an Unpleasant Discovery
- In Which Samuel Arrives, and Nurd Departs
- In Which Dozy Is the Bearer of Bad News
- XIII
- In Which We Meet a Ram, and Some Old Friends Are Reunited
- In Which the Forces of Law and Order Assert Themselves
- In Which Something of the Nature of this World Is Revealed Through Old Ram
- In Which Hell Gets Stranger, and the Scientists Grow More Curious
- XVII
- In Which the True Faces of the Conspirators Are Revealed, and an Ugly Bunch They Are Too
- XVIII
- In Which Those Who Will Be of Help to Samuel Begin to Come Together
- In Which We Encounter Some of the Other Unfortunate Residents of Hell
- In Which We Meet the Blacksmith
- In Which Nurd Considers Changing His Name to “Nurd, Unlucky in Numerous Dimensions”
- XXII
- In Which We Learn That There Is Always Hope, as Long as One Chooses Not to Abandon It
- XXIII
- In Which Mrs. Abernathy Loses Her Temper, and We Meet Up Again with an Unpleasant Personage from Earlier in Our Tale
- XXIV
- In Which We Speculate on What, If Anything, Might Be Worse Than Evil
- In Which a Familiar Odor Sends the Dwarfs’ Spirits Soaring
- XXVI
- In Which We Learn of the Difficulties in Re-creating the Taste of Something Truly Horrible
- XXVII
- In Which We Hear a Surprising Confession
- XXVIII
- In Which Everything Goes Horribly Wrong
- XXIX
- In Which Various August Personages Put Their Plans in Motion
- In Which the Watcher Is Torn
- XXXI
- In Which We Learn a Little of the Responsibilities of Command, and the Perils of Being Commanded
- XXXII
- In Which Samuel and Mrs. Abernathy Meet Again, Which Only Delights 50 Percent of Those Involved
- XXXIII
- In Which a Third Force Intervenes in the Conflict
- XXXIV
- In Which We Encounter Some Cunning Disguises
- XXXV
- In Which Battle Commences, and a Rescue Mission Is Mounted
- XXXVI
- In Which a Certain Someone Wakes Up with a Sore Head
- XXXVII
- In Which We Get to the “Happy Ever After” Part
- XXXVIII
- In Which We Discover the Limitations of the Term Happily Ever After
- Acknowledgments
33. When we see colors, what we’re really seeing is a certain frequency and wavelength of light hitting our eyes. Photons, which are units of light, have to leave an object in order for us to pick up on pink, or blue, or that strange brown color only found in damp earth and school uniforms. Black is the absence of photons, an absence that we choose to describe as a color. There is a school of philosophy known as Existentialism, which takes the view that life is all a lot of nothing, really, and as a consequence we are all in a state of great sadness. Unsurprisingly, Existentialists don’t get invited to many birthday parties.
34. In mythology the basilisk was known as the “King of Serpents” because of its crown-shaped crest. To it were variously ascribed the capacity to kill with its gaze, its breath, or the sound of its cry. It was even said that if a soldier pierced its skin with a spear, the poison in the basilisk’s blood would flow up the weapon and kill its assailant. It was rumored to be hatched by a rooster from the egg of a toad or serpent, thus providing an interesting variation on the question of which came first, the chicken or the egg. Actually, scientists believe that they have now proved that some form of chicken came first, as a particular protein in eggshells can only be produced inside a chicken. Mind you, it was probably a very surprised chicken that pushed out the first egg: “Cluck! Mavis, dear—cluck, cluck—you won’t believe what’s just fallen out of my bottom …”