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Back The House with the Golden Door Save as PDF
Chapters (60)
  1. Cover
  2. PRAISE FOR
  3. PRAISE FOR
  4. Dedication
  5. 75 CE
  6. 1
  7. 2
  8. 3
  9. 4
  10. 5
  11. 6
  12. 7
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. 10
  16. FLORALIA
  17. 11
  18. 12
  19. 13
  20. 14
  21. 15
  22. 16
  23. 17
  24. 18
  25. 19
  26. LEMURIA
  27. 20
  28. 21
  29. 22
  30. 23
  31. 24
  32. 25
  33. 26
  34. 27
  35. 28
  36. 29
  37. NEMORALIA
  38. 30
  39. 31
  40. 32
  41. 33
  42. 34
  43. 35
  44. 36
  45. 37
  46. 38
  47. 39
  48. 40
  49. 76 CE
  50. 41
  51. 42
  52. 43
  53. 44
  54. 45
  55. 46
  56. 47
  57. 48
  58. EPILOGUE
  59. AFTERWORD
  60. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

“Hortensius won’t take her,” Philos says, trying to calm her down. “She’s safe here. Nobody’s going to touch her. She’s free.”

“When you go to work for Rufus, I can’t stand it, I can’t bear that he owns you. But it would kill me if she were enslaved.”

“It’s not going to happen.” Philos kisses her. “I promise you.”

“I should have killed Victoria. Britannica was right.”

“Of course you shouldn’t have killed her. Don’t be ridiculous. If anyone’s to blame, it’s me.” Amara knows what he is going to say and tries to interrupt, but he presses on. “I never imagined you didn’t know all the risks we faced, and I’m sorry. I wish I had not brought so much pain into your life.”

“It’s not your fault.” Amara puts her arms around his neck, pressing close to him. “I don’t blame you for any of it.” She wants to reassure him further, to say that she does not regret loving him, that she could never regret having his child, but at that moment, with the image of Hortensius in her mind, she cannot bring herself to say the words.

45

“Mistress, I ask you to love me”

—Pompeii graffiti

The harp buys them a month. In that time, they cut back drastically, saving as much as possible to make the pain of each payment less severe. Philos loses weight, and in spite of his protestations, Amara suspects there are days he goes without eating to spare them the expense. Money is not the only hardship. Felix’s threat seeps into every area of their lives. It puts a strain on Amara’s friendship with Britannica, makes her constantly anxious for her daughter and corrodes the sense of safety she always felt in Philos’s arms. When her body has recovered enough for her to make the first tentative moves toward intimacy, Amara cannot shake the sense of Felix watching. It is as if she has been dragged back to the earliest days of their relationship, and if it were not for Philos being so loving and patient, she suspects she would have lost the ability to feel any pleasure at all.

The few moments that Amara feels the darkness lifting at home are when she watches Philos bathe or swaddle their baby, entirely absorbed in love for their daughter. His stillness soothes Amara, even though she hates the reasons he is able to stay so calm. She knows his stoicism is enforced by a lifetime’s lack of control—the understanding he acquired in childhood that the only things he would ever master were his own emotions.