I dropped my arms, and he took a deep breath. Slowly, he loosened both his hands and then placed them lightly on my shoulders.

“Explain,” he said.

“She’s not here,” I whispered, still breathing in gasps. “I can’t find her. Not even now.”

“Melanie?”

“I can’t hear her! Ian, how can I go back in to Jamie? He’ll know that I’m lying! How can I tell him that I’ve lost his sister now? Ian, he’s sick! I can’t tell him that! I’ll upset him, make it harder for him to get well. I —”

Ian’s fingers pressed against my lips. “Shh, shh. Okay. Let’s think about this. When was the last time you heard her?”

“Oh, Ian! It was right after I saw… in the hospital. And she tried to defend them… and I screamed at her… and I—I made her go away! And I haven’t heard her since. I can’t find her!”

“Shh,” he said again. “Calmly. Okay. Now, what do you really want? I know you don’t want to upset Jamie, but he’s going to be fine regardless. So, consider—would it be better, just for you, if —”

“No! I can’t erase Melanie! I can’t. That would be wrong! That would make me a monster, too!”

“Okay, okay! Okay. Shh. So we have to find her?”

I nodded urgently.

He took another deep breath. “Then you need to… really be overwhelmed, don’t you?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

I was afraid I did, though.

Kissing Ian was one thing—even a pleasant thing, maybe, if I wasn’t so racked with worry—but anything more… elaborate… Could I? Mel would be furious if I used her body that way. Was that what I had to do to find her? But what about Ian? It was so grossly unfair to him.

“I’ll be right back,” Ian promised. “Stay here.”

He pressed me against the wall for emphasis and then ducked back out into the hallway.

It was hard to obey. I wanted to follow him, to see what he was doing and where he was going. We had to talk about this; I had to think it through. But I had no time. Jamie was waiting for me, with questions that I couldn’t answer with lies. No, he wasn’t waiting for me; he was waiting for Melanie. How could I have done this? What if she was really gone?

Mel, Mel, Mel, come back! Melanie, Jamie needs you. Not me—he needs you. He’s sick, Mel. Mel, can you hear that? Jamie is sick!

I was talking to myself. No one heard.

My hands were trembling with fear and stress. I wouldn’t be able to wait here much longer. I felt like the anxiety was going to make me swell until I popped.