The bed next to me is empty when I wake, my eyes still puffy from crying myself to sleep while listening to the radio for comfort. Chris never came upstairs to bed. At his work event last night I drank too much and locked myself in the toilet. Social situations make me anxious and as understanding as he is, I always push him past his limit. I had promised to behave myself this time, but as usual my nerves got the better of me and I embarrassed him again, something I seem to do more and more these days. My head is throbbing, I know I haven’t slept well, the echo of my dreams still lingering. They’re indiscernible, but I have the uneasy feeling that comes after a nightmare.

I wander downstairs in my pyjamas and find Chris asleep on the sofa where I left him last night, an overturned wineglass on the rug and the TV on. I reach down and feel for wetness but there is nothing. At least he finished the wine before he dropped the glass. I pull the throw on the back of the sofa over him. I wonder how long he will keep up the silent treatment this time. It’s nothing less than I deserve.

‘What time is it?’ he mutters.

‘It’s still early – it’s seven – the kids aren’t even awake yet. Why don’t you go and get in bed for a couple of hours?’ I suggest, trying not to sound upset.

‘I wanted to go out on the bike this morning.’

‘Oh. I thought we were having a lazy weekend.’

‘I’ve changed my mind.’

‘If you’re annoyed at me, will you just bloody say it? I can’t stand this tension between us.’ The tears start again.

‘Come here.’

I get on the sofa next to him and he pulls me into an embrace. Kissing my tears away, then kissing me on the lips. He gets like this the morning after he’s been drinking. His hands start to wander and I know he isn’t angry with me anymore.

‘Not here.’

‘Come on, you already said the kids were still asleep.’

‘They could wake up at any moment.’

‘We’ll hear them; you know they find it impossible to stay quiet.’ He kisses me again and I sink into the sofa – feeling him against me like this is always nice. I am half in the moment and half listening out for any movement in the house, not wanting to traumatise our children by having them walk in on us in flagrante on the couch.