‘I don’t know why I even try sometimes. You are so immovable. You had better do some serious thinking while you’re gone. If this isn’t what you want, then cut us loose. I can’t do this anymore.’

I try not to think about what it is he is actually saying. I know he’s right. I know I can’t be like this and expect everyone else to just be OK with it, for everyone to just carry on around me as if it isn’t obvious I’m on the brink of falling apart. If he knew the truth about me, he might understand why I need to go back. I might be the best chance that girl has.

I go to Chris, his eyes glistening with emotion. I know I’m hurting him but I can’t think about that right now, not with what’s at stake. I kiss him and I can feel him exhale with relief, as if all he wanted was for me to tell him I still love him. Of course I do, that has never been in question. Not for me anyway.

‘Come with the kids on Friday, if I’m not back already. Please.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Of course. I love you, I hope you know that.’

‘Sometimes I wonder.’

I pull away, not willing to play the guilt game anymore. I just need to get on the road. The sooner I leave the sooner I can get the answers I’m looking for. I feel the invisible thread as I am pulled back. My life so far has been in two parts, before and after, then and now. I think back to that summer. It feels like a lifetime ago, another world entirely. I put my case in the boot of the car. I never do this, I never drive far on my own, I never stay away from home without Chris or the kids. This will be the first time I have spent the night away from Lloyd. He’s only seven, I hope he understands, I hope Chris does too, eventually. I have no choice. The life of that missing girl may depend on it.

Chapter Five