Though he said it lightly, the sentiments behind it were not. She knew the reasons for his leaving, including what he thought had been Boyd taking advantage of her when she was their hostage. Boyd had been wrong. But Alex had been wrong to think that forgetting his honor in the arms of a woman he loved was a sin that would never be laid at his feet. A sin that might be more complicated than it first appeared.

She put her hand on his arm. “I feel to blame for what happened. It wasn’t his fault, Alex. I know you thought it was, but I wanted what happened as much as he did. I loved him to distraction. I still do. It was everything else I thought I couldn’t live with.”

Alex shook his head. “It wasn’t you. As I told you then, it had been a long time in the working.”

“But I know how hard it was for you. I was there—I saw what you were going through. I know Robbie is sorry for some of the things he did and wishes it could have been different.”

“I very much doubt that,” Alex said dryly.

“He does. You were like a brother to him, though he was too blinded by anger and vengeance to admit it. Maybe . . . do you ever think about going back?”

He wished he could say no. But he couldn’t lie to himself. Every day he thought of what he’d given up. The challenges. The danger. The feeling as if he was part of something important. The camaraderie. Aye, most of all that. The Guardsmen had been the closest friends he’d ever had—even if it hadn’t always felt like that. Walking away from them had been like walking away from part of himself. But he’d had to do it. He couldn’t keep doing what he was doing. He just hoped to hell that in the end it would all be worth it.

“It hasn’t been the same—Robbie hasn’t been the same—since you left,” she said, guessing his thoughts. “They need you, Alex.”

Alex shook his head; she was wrong. “I saw them not long ago.”

Her eyes widened in surprise. “When?”

He explained what had happened with the little girl and how he’d been surrounded. “They let me go, but your husband was very clear about what would happen the next time we met.” He shook his head. “Nay, there is no going back.”

“You are sure?”

He smiled; that was the second time he’d been asked that today. “I am.”

“I suppose it would be difficult to explain to your new wife,” Rosalin said with a smile that was just as sad as his. “She is probably from some illustrious English family.”

Alex grimaced. He hadn’t been holding back her name intentionally, but he hadn’t volunteered it either. “Not exactly.”