And just how badly he wanted to do that frightened him. He had seen men—brothers, friends—die on the battlefield, seen horrors that no human should be forced to witness, faced overwhelming odds and what should be certain death, faced ten of the best warriors in Christendom as a traitor, and never before had he felt fear like he did now. Because he knew just how close he was to losing himself—or the part of himself that he’d fought so hard to hold on to. The part of himself that had caused him to turn on his friends. The part that always just tried to do what was right.

He was becoming the very barbarian he’d feared.

Her face went white, as if she was shocked by what she said. “Alex, wait. I didn’t mean—”

He didn’t let her finish. “No, you are right. You have made your feelings quite clear. I will not seek to change your mind again. But if you change yours, you know where to find me—for a couple of weeks at least. After that . . .” He shrugged. It didn’t really matter. Whether he came back from war or not, he knew she would not be waiting for him.

She looked stricken, as if the idea of him not returning had never occurred to her.

He didn’t wait to hear her reply. With a short, stiff bow of his head, he handed her back her bundle and left.

Chapter 12

12

HE WON’T DIE, Joan told herself. Alex Seton was one of the best warriors in Christendom, handpicked for Bruce’s elite fighting force, even if he was now fighting for the enemy. It was inconceivable that he wouldn’t survive the looming battle.

But deep inside she knew it was true: there were no guarantees in war. Even the best weren’t invincible. Hadn’t William “Templar” Gordon’s death proved that? Joan hadn’t known the young member of the Guard who’d died a few years ago, but she’d heard so much of him from Lachlan she felt as if she did.

Being the “best” also hadn’t helped Alex’s brother. Sir Christopher Seton was one of the greatest knights on either side of the border and reputed to be the third best in Christendom (behind his liege lord Robert Bruce, and Giles d’Argentan, the Frenchman who fought for the English). Yet Sir Christopher had been captured by his own countryman, the chief of the MacNabs, at Loch Doon Castle and executed at the start of the war.