‘You’ll be fine,’ said Shrek, throwing a pair of black MMA gloves at de Payns. ‘I won’t hurt you.’

‘Yes you will,’ said de Payns, replacing the boxing gloves with the MMA mitts.

‘Okay, but I’ll spare your feelings,’ said Shrek, walking to the blue martial arts mats in the northern end of the gym. They kicked off their shoes and walked onto the hemp-packed mats, de Payns dreading what was about to come.

‘So, did I see you talking to Frasier the other day?’ asked de Payns innocently while he did his shoulder stretches. ‘Outside Briffaut’s office?’

Shrek smiled. ‘That’s fairly specific. Not a spy, are you?’

That was classic Shrek. Seamless dissembling wrapped up in humour. If de Payns pushed, it was he who had the problem.

‘I thought you were going for a pay rise—at least, that’s what everyone’s saying.’

Shrek’s eyes flashed. ‘Who’s every—?’

‘Ha! Got you!’ said de Payns. ‘Smug bastard.’

‘You prick,’ said Shrek, fist-touching with de Payns’ glove.

They stood back from one another and de Payns raised his hands in a defensive posture, crouching into a fighting stance. Shrek twisted sideways, backed up with fast reverse shuffle steps, and unleashed a back kick that caught de Payns in the solar plexus, lifting him off his feet and onto his arse. He coughed and looked up at Shrek.

‘So much for not hurting me,’ said de Payns, catching his breath and realising this was going to be a painful return to sparring.

‘I’m a spy,’ said Shrek, shrugging. ‘I lied.’

Leaping to his feet, de Payns regained his composure and effected a stance.

‘Oops,’ said Shrek. ‘Not going all jujitsu on me, are you?’

‘Bring it,’ said de Payns, and they circled one another, Shrek more careful now, knowing his sparring partner would go to the ground if he had the chance.

De Payns feigned a lunge to the torso, and when Shrek countered with a stamp kick and a punch combination, he was ready. He slipped the left-hand punch and blocked the right-hand with his elbow, extending his arm and barring Shrek’s twisted right elbow so Shrek was lifted off the ground. To avoid breaking his arm, Shrek twisted downwards and away, and de Payns used the momentum to take them both to the ground, where de Payns drove his forearm into Shrek’s neck and then positioned himself into a chokehold on his friend, which he tightened.