“No, you don’t understand.” She turns her head and pushes at my chest until my hold breaks.

I still. Hidden in the corner between the locker rooms and my high school gym, I watch Polly square her shoulders and swipe at the tears on her face.

“What is it?” I ask tentatively.

Her expression morphs from fear to timid smile. “Nothing. I’m sorry. I’m just scared.”

I close the space again. “Me too. We’ll be scared together, babydoll.”

26

KATRINA

“This pizza tastes funny.” Christian pushes his plate away. The pizza is fine, but he’s still upset that we’re missing one person. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, Joel had told Christian that he was taking us to pizza.

I would have done what I did either way, but if I’d known Joel had already told Christian about our after-game plans, I would have taken Christian for tacos or something else instead of our usual pizza.

“I’m sorry, buddy. Joel had a lot of people wanting to help him celebrate tonight and it wouldn’t be fair if we made him miss that.”

Christian considers me for a moment. “But he said he was excited about having pizza with us. He was gonna eat an entire pizza on his own.” Christian’s eyes widen like this is a feat worth seeing firsthand.

Sighing, I pull out my phone. Joel hasn’t texted me back and the game has been over for two hours, so I’m sure he’s seen my text by now. Hopefully he went to the party with his friends. That’s where he should be.

But flaking on him feels crappy too.

“Come on. Let’s take this home and we’ll watch a movie and you can sleep in my bed tonight.”

I’ve got him. I rarely let him sleep in my room, but I think tonight it might be as comforting to me as it is to him.

On the way to the apartment, I replay the last few weeks trying to sort out my feelings for Joel. I think, no I know, there’s a genuinely good guy underneath his cocky exterior, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready for my life. The real, ugly, exhausting parts. Swooping in and playing the fun uncle is one thing, being a father figure is another entirely. There’s really no in between for me. I can’t date a guy and expect Christian not to be a part of it. That wouldn’t be fair to me or Christian. And it’s not fair to Joel to give up the things he loves – partying and hanging with friends – because I can’t.

My downstairs neighbor is standing outside her door when I carry a sleeping Christian past her while balancing the pizza box. She gives me a disapproving look.

“What’s her problem?” I mumble as I walk up the stairs.

I get my answer when I see Joel sitting down and leaning against my front door.

I smile down at my neighbor who continues to stand there.

“Have a good night,” I say, hoping she takes the hint.