I listen to the rhythm of her breathing and the longer I sit there holding her, the fiercer my heart beats, and no matter how hard I try to keep them back, eventually tears escape my eyes. My head falls forward against the steering wheel and I cry quietly through the sounds of the rain. Crying for her. For the life she was handed. Because I’m so in love with her it hurts me to see her like this. Because I know when morning comes, there’s a good chance she won’t remember this.

Because I’m afraid I’m going to lose her forever.

Chapter 11

Ella

When Micha finishes telling me what happened, I lay quietly on the bed with him, my head right over his heart. It’s beating faster than it normally does and I wonder if he’s feeling what he felt that night. The fear I put in him and whatever else was going through his head at the moment.

“I can’t remember any of that,” I say, looking up at him. “I think it was the combination of the pills and my… my anxiety. Things sometimes get blurry when I go to that place.”

“I know,” he says, staring down at me. “Like I said, I knew that night there would be a good chance you wouldn’t remember any of it. I just thought that I’d never see you again after it happened.”

Silence stretches between us as I struggle to remember and he struggles to forget.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him because it’s the only thing I can think of to say. There are no words that could possibly even begin to explain to him how bad I feel for putting him through that and for me doing it to begin with. It still hurts to even think about it, how I was about to throw everything away—everything I have with Micha now. “I really am.”

He moves me with him as he sits up. “You don’t have to be sorry for something that happened a few years ago—something that wasn’t even in your control.”

“Running away was.”

“You know, I thought so at first, but now I don’t think that’s entirely true. I think sometimes in life shit happens and people have to do what they can to move past it.” The corners of his mouth tug upward into a sad smile. “For you, that was running away and for me… with my father, it was deciding it was better to let him go.”

“But I came back.” I tuck my legs under me and kneel up between his legs. “Well, I came back for summer break because I had to, but now I’m back, for the most part.”

“I know.” His fingers spread across my cheek. “It’s called healing, Ella May.”