I nod and wonder if I should tell her about my fear of writing and saying my vows, since I can’t discuss it with Micha. She could help me figure stuff out. Maybe. Although I don’t think she could help me with the fear of getting married, which might be behind the reason why I can’t write my vows.

Before I can say anything, though, she suddenly rises from her chair with a big grin on her face. “I almost forgot. I got you a present.”

“Why?” My expression falls. No one’s ever given me presents except Micha and I’m not really a fan of getting them.

“For your wedding, duh.” She rolls her eyes like I’m being absurd and then heads back to the guest room. A few minutes later, she returns with a big pink gift bag in her hand. “Here you go, bride-to-be,” she singsongs and then hands it to me. “I was going to give it to you yesterday, but… well, you know. Things happened.”

“Yeah, I know.” I set the bag down on the table. “That really wasn’t about my panicking about getting married. I promise.”

She plops down in the chair and props her elbow on the table. “Then what was it about?”

“Stuff.” I’m hesitant, and when she presses me with a look, I decide to let her in on my life just a little, especially since I recently learned her parents haven’t always been that great to her either. “I’m just worried about stuff in the future.”

She slumps back in the chair. “Well, that’s normal, Ella. Everyone worries about their future, especially when they’re about to get married and are starting a future with someone else.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I should probably just try to relax.” But even when I say it, it doesn’t seem possible. Relax. Sure, it’s easy when I’m in Micha’s arms or he’s inside me and everything else around me—life—feels nonexistent. But alone without his comfort I’m hyperaware of the things that lie inside me, the dark things that could overwhelm me with sadness at any moment—I could lose myself at any moment.

We sit quietly as fluffy snowflakes melt against the windows and leave thin trails of water on the glass.

Eventually Lila sits up and attempts to look happier. “Okay, enough with the sad. You need to open my present.”

I make a wary face at the gift bag and then open it up. There’s decorative paper inside and a box sealed with a bow. I set it down on the table, then untie the bow and lift the lid. The first thing I come across is a blue garter trimmed with white lace. I take it out and put it around my wrist.