“We should have realized,” she said. “She said it, after all: we have to help out. We should have realized that she was talking about herself as well.”

“We shouldn’t have realized anything at all.” It came out hard and fast, but it was the only reply I could manage. For there wasn’t any we. There was only Lou. Me. Lou and I. Marguerite wasn’t a part of it.

But Marguerite didn’t leave, she sat down with me. She continued. “We have to leave, David.”

I didn’t reply.

“We have to get out of here.”

We. Still we.

“David?”

I got to my feet. “I’m not going anywhere.”

I left the room, leaving her seated there, leaving Lou, who was lying in bed. The embers were still smoldering at the scene of the fire. The smell of wet, charred wood filled the camp.

Christian, Caleb, and Martin were sitting in the soot on the ground. A jar of pills changed hands.

“We stole it from first-aid,” Caleb said when I sat down. “Everything is up for grabs now.”

“One will do away with the pain, three with the anxiety,” Martin said, his voice already listless.

I took four.

Everything was all right, for a while everything was all right.

My mind became sharp, my body simultaneously slow and quick. The words pouring out of my mouth were sharp, witty, clear. I was only interested in being. Here. Now.

I danced, on two legs, on all fours.

Rolled around with Caleb and Martin, the dirt sticking to us. I could smell the odor of soot and human beings.

Girls arrived, several of them. I took one of them, rolled around with her too. Pounded hard inside her. I heard moans, but whether they came from her or from me, I couldn’t say.

I never saw her face, it was too dark. Or maybe I was blinded by burned woodwork.

Everything was all right. Everything was forgotten.

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Signe

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Signe

The approach to Bordeaux reveals a gently sloping landscape, apparently innocent, welcoming, but nonetheless I have to wait six hours before I can put into port. The tide takes everything with it, the waves move back and forth, the ocean rises and ebbs. I’ve seen surfers rush forward on this brown, brackish water before, but today there aren’t any here.