And I, too, had been waiting for it. I had been so sluggish for so long, so sluggish and cautious. Always with Lou there holding my hand.

But now there was nobody to take care of. And nothing made any difference.

I took a step forward. I could feel my heart pound. Hard. Hard.

Took another step. Now you must choose. Are you in or alone?

But I was spared having to choose, because somebody came running up from behind. They pulled me along with them. Pulled me in and I didn’t resist.

I ran toward Caleb, Martin, and Christian. Became a part of what they were. Adrenaline filled me. I exploded again and again. Something in me that had been suppressed rose to the surface. Something that had been there all along.

Arms, legs, everything happened so fast. The voices just as loud. My own, theirs, so loud.

Running footsteps. More and more people kept joining in, everyone with a clear aim, all their energy focused on this. It was so easy to raise an arm. To punch. Move your feet. Punch again.

There were more of us. But they were quicker, larger, crazier. Something about them reminded me of the worst boys at school—a wildness. With guys like them you never knew what you would get.

And I was clumsy. Slower with every punch I threw.

I missed.

I was hit.

The pain erased all the thoughts in my head. It was quick. A pain like that I could take, I had time to think. This is tolerable, because it’s so quick. It passes right away.

But then it didn’t stop. It spread outward, heat prickling everywhere, throughout my entire body. It didn’t disappear, but increased in intensity, obliterating all other pains.

Hard to breathe. It was difficult to breathe. My chest contracted.

Around me people were fighting on all sides. The brawl was just a sound, a single sound. A sound that swallowed up everything else.

I sat on the ground. Shaking. I had drawn my knees up against my chest and was holding my hands open in front of me. They were covered with red stains from the blood dripping from my head.

Christian was lying doubled up on the ground. Caleb was sitting with Martin, talking softly, in a daze.

It was so hot, the pain and the heat all at once. Sweat on my back, on my forehead. Salt on my face. Pain. It hurt like hell. My body ached all over.

Then someone crouched down beside me. I’d almost forgotten about her. But she was still here, with her protruding collarbones and slender fingers.

“Come,” she said.

She was staying in a hall that was smaller than ours. A sign outside stated that it was only for women. She pulled me inside a cubicle like mine and Lou’s.

“Sit down.” Marguerite pointed to a bed.