‘I saw a clip on YouTube the other day,’ said the ghost, ‘about a gorilla who saved a three-year-old boy when he fell into its enclosure at the zoo. The other gorillas tried to get to him, but she brushed them away, keeping him safe, then she carried him to the little door that the zookeepers use when they come in with food.’

‘What has that got to do with anything?’ asked Beverley. ‘Why are you talking about gorillas?’

‘We were discussing lions,’ said the ghost. ‘And I wanted to point out that sometimes animals can behave in unexpected ways. I know you’re keen to have a lion scene in the new novel—’

‘It should be handled very sensitively, though,’ said Beverley. ‘I wouldn’t want your predecessor’s ghost feeling that I was taking advantage of her misfortune.’

‘The ghost’s ghost?’ asked Achilles, looking up. ‘This gets better. What do you call a dead ghost anyway? Is it a double negative? Is a dead ghost just, like, a living person?’

‘I mean her family,’ said Beverley. ‘Honestly, Achilles, must you always mock? You’re like a teenage boy, never happy unless you’re poking fun.’

‘I am a teenage boy,’ he replied.

‘But that’s no reason to act like one.’

‘Regarding the lion scene,’ said the ghost.

‘Yes, let’s just make sure that the lion never touches her face. Otherwise, the hero might not want to marry her. No one wants to dance with a girl who has great claw marks down her cheeks.’

‘Wasn’t that Dorothy Parker?’ asked Achilles. ‘Men don’t drive cars, with girls who have scars.’

‘I don’t think so, dear.’

Achilles Cleverley

I’m free on Thursday. Bit short on cash right now though!

‘I’ll do my best,’ said the ghost.

They finished their meal and Beverley stood up to clear away the plates while Achilles shamelessly looked the ghost up and down as if he was considering purchasing her but wasn’t sure whether she’d go with his new jacket. She was quite sexy, he decided eventually. But in an understated way, which was always his preference. He waited for her to turn and look at him too, but she seemed more interested in investigating the condition of her nails. When she finally deigned to glance in his direction, she simply frowned.

‘Is something wrong with you?’ she asked.

‘No,’ said Achilles. ‘Why do you ask?’

‘You’re staring at me in a weird way. Your eyes have gone all strange.’

‘People always compliment me on my eyes,’ he said.

‘I wasn’t complimenting you,’ she said. ‘I said that they’d gone all strange.’

‘Good strange or bad strange?’

‘Like the wind had changed and you’d been stuck like that.’

‘Bad strange, then,’ said Achilles, sulking. He drummed his fingers on the tabletop, deciding that he didn’t care for this new ghost very much, but her indifference to him had left him with no choice but to consider seducing her.