‘Rather unexpectedly,’ repeated Nelson. ‘I have taken a … wait, what? What did you say? What do you mean, my boyfriend? Why would you think I have a boyfriend?’

‘You said you’re getting laid, so what else am I meant to assume?’

‘I just—’

‘Oh, come on, Nelson, just spit it out, whatever it is.’

Nelson swallowed and looked a little confused. ‘Well, the thing is that I was going to tell you that I’ve realized that I am … you know … a gentleman who enjoys the company of other gentleman.’

‘Don’t most gentlemen enjoy the company of other gentlemen?’

‘Yes, but I enjoy it in a more sensual way than most. It is time for me to admit to the world that I am—’

‘Gay,’ said Achilles. ‘And I, for one, am shocked! Shocked, I say! You! A gay! Who would ever have thought it?’

‘You don’t sound surprised.’

‘I’m not. So if that’s your big revelation, I’m sorry, but it’s about as thrilling as an episode of Emmerdale.’

‘Right,’ said Nelson. ‘And you’re okay with it?’

‘Why should I care? Put your pecker where you want. Stick it in a box of Haribo, for all I care.’

Nelson smiled and stood up. He’d hoped for a little more but was willing to take what he could get.

‘What’s his name anyway?’ asked Achilles as he made his way towards the door.

‘Shane.’

‘Do you like him?’

Nelson nodded. ‘I like him a lot.’

Achilles smiled and, to his astonishment, felt tears forming behind his eyes. ‘Fuck me,’ he said. ‘I’m getting all weepy.’

Nelson looked away. He felt a little emotional too.

‘There’s something I need to tell you too,’ said Achilles, ‘but if you ever repeat this to anyone, I’ll deny having ever said it. Understand? I might even sue you for slander.’

Nelson nodded.

‘I love you. Now get out.’

FACEPALM

Returning to his office, George collapsed into his chair in exhaustion and took out his phone, then tapped on the blue Twitter icon. Despite the sacking of Ben Bimbaum and Margaret Roberts, the morning had gone much better than he’d anticipated, and he decided it was time to put this whole unpleasant business to bed once and for all by sharing his relief with the world.

He began to type.

@GeorgeCleverley A great meeting with @LordHusbery this morning who’s confirmed the new series of @CleverleyTV for the autumn. Get well soon, LH! Goes to show that crippled people are just as wise as normal people. Let’s get more cripples on to the boards of our national institutions!

He read it several times, searching for anything that could possibly cause offence, decided there was nothing problematic there, and pressed ‘Tweet’.