Nelson did as instructed and stepped into the bedroom, looking around at the books, games, magazines and teenage paraphernalia that surrounded him.

‘What are you doing here anyway?’ asked Achilles, opening one eye. ‘If you’re planning on molesting me, just get on with it so I can go back to sleep.’

Nelson sat down on the bed and let out a dramatic sigh.

‘This isn’t just a social visit, is it?’ asked Achilles. ‘I feel you want to tell me something.’

‘I do, yes.’

‘Or perhaps you want to ask me for advice?’

Nelson frowned. ‘Why on earth would I ask you for advice?’ he asked. ‘No offence, Achilles, but you’re an idiot.’

‘At least I’m not a virgin.’

‘I’m not either, as it happens,’ said Nelson.

‘Really?’ said Achilles, sitting up now and propping a pair of pillows behind him, his face lighting up at this unexpected development. ‘You finally popped your cherry?’

‘I did,’ said Nelson, blushing a little. ‘It’s quite good fun, isn’t it? Shagging.’

‘Well, yes,’ said Achilles. ‘I mean, you must have heard rumours to that effect.’

‘I’d heard something,’ said Nelson. ‘But it’s even better than I expected. And it turns out I’m quite good at it.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ replied Achilles. ‘I can just about believe that you finally lost it, but that would be going too far.’

‘If I’d known that I’d enjoy it this much, and that I’d be so brilliant at it, I’d have started long ago. Where’s Mother and Father anyway? And Elizabeth? Why is no one else home?’

‘I have no idea. Why, are you planning on telling them the good news too? Please don’t do it until I’m in the room, okay? I want to see their reactions.’

‘Of course not. I just wondered, that’s all. There’s something else I want to tell you.’

‘What is it, are you a secret MI5 agent? Oh wait, you’re not going on Bake Off, are you? That’s just the kind of thing you’d do.’

‘No, it’s nothing like that. I want to prepare you for a shock, though. This will come as a surprise, but I hope that nothing between us will change.’

‘You mean we’ll be as close as ever?’ asked Achilles. ‘You’ll take me to football matches and down the pub for my first pint?’

‘You know, you don’t always have to be so sarcastic,’ said Nelson. ‘You could take a day off from being Achilles.’ He made inverted comma symbols in the air when he said his brother’s name. ‘I’m trying to tell you something important here. And you’re the first family member I’ve told. So a little respect would be nice.’

‘Sorry,’ said Achilles, feeling chastened. ‘Go on, then. I’m all ears.’

Nelson took a deep breath.

‘Circumstances in my life have changed in recent days,’ he announced. ‘Rather unexpectedly, I have taken a lover and—’

‘Please,’ said Achilles, holding up a hand. ‘Do one thing for me. Never, ever refer to anyone as your lover. I can’t handle it. The images it conjures up.’ He shivered. ‘Just say my boyfriend.’