‘No, that was just an experiment on his part, and he told me it wasn’t for him. I think we should pretend it never happened. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the gays per se, but it would be a lot simpler if he was, well, you know—’

‘Normal?’

‘I didn’t want to use that word, but since you say it.’

‘You realize that’s quite homophobic of you, right?’

‘I didn’t say it!’ protested Beverley. ‘You did!’

‘Still. You agreed.’

Beverley let out a long groan. ‘Is it wrong of me to hope that my son is a heterosexual?’ she asked. ‘I mean, let’s face it, life is hard enough without throwing another difficulty into the mix.’

‘I don’t think gay people see it quite like that, Mother. Most of them are perfectly content with their sexuality. If anything, many feel it enhances their lives.’

‘And good for them. I’m absolutely delighted for them! Put out the bunting! You know, I’m not going to continue with this conversation because I just know that whatever I say, you’ll take it the wrong way and accuse me of all sorts.’

‘Did you ever have sex with a woman?’ asked Elizabeth, the thought crossing her mind that her mother might want to reveal a long-held secret.

‘Good Lord, no,’ said Beverley, shivering a little. ‘Although a well-known lady novelist once invited me to her room when we were both attending the Hay Festival, but I declined. And when I was a girl, one of my closest friends told me that she dreamed of us swimming naked together in the Lake District and would I like to try that sometime, but I said no, that I couldn’t imagine anything worse than holidaying in one’s own country. Why, have you?’

‘Have I what?’

‘Ever … you know … with a woman?’

Elizabeth shook her head. ‘Not my bag,’ she said.

Beverley considered this. ‘I sometimes wonder whether lesbians are just making a point,’ she said.

‘A point about what?’

‘Oh, who knows? The patriarchy, I imagine. It’s usually the patriarchy, isn’t it? Oh, look! Ustym Karmaliuk is nibbling on an After Eight. He’s getting his appetite back.’

Elizabeth stood up and walked over to examine the tortoise, who stopped eating and turned its head to look at her, blinking multiple times.

‘I told you,’ continued Beverley in triumph. ‘No one can resist an After Eight. They’re sublime. Now, if he finishes that one, we’ll give him another. We need to build his strength back up. I am worried about him, though. I hope he’s not getting himself into any trouble.’

‘There’s not a lot of trouble he can get himself into,’ said Elizabeth. ‘It takes him about an hour to leave the room.’

‘Not Ustym Karmaliuk. Achilles. Seventeen-year-old boys are prone to rebellion and you never know what they’re going to do next. Nelson wasn’t like that, of course. He was more—’