‘Which would leave you crashing to the earth and exploding like a watermelon,’ roared Number 22.

‘All right,’ said Alice, who had evidently reached the end of her speech and looked almost as relieved about that as everyone else. Nelson felt his heart sinking, wondering whether he’d not only wasted £9 on a ticket to this shambles, but also £142.50 on his policeman’s uniform.

‘Now, in the olden days,’ continued Alice, ‘back when men did all the DIY and women knew how to make a perfect Victoria sponge, we used to have two lines of seats, women on one side and men on the other. We’re not allowed to do that any more, of course, as it would contravene equality laws and, for all I know, some of you might be straight, some of you might be gay, and some of you might be homosexual. Which is fine. There’s room for all sorts, no matter what your perversion. Some of you might not even know what you are! I ran one of these events recently in Battersea and a man told me he was pansexual and I had to go home and google what that meant! But that was Battersea so, you know, you’re up against it there. Anything goes. I should add that I feel no prejudice towards those women who do not ride on my side of the bus, none whatsoever. Or the men who … also ride on the … maybe sit downstairs. On the bus. Or even walk! Or use their bicycles, who knows?’

She beamed out at the audience, most of whom were now shifting uncomfortably and wondering whether they could just make a break for it.

‘For what it’s worth,’ she added, ‘my best friend’s neighbour has a daughter who’s a lesbian and she’s a pretty little thing, so it’s very sad, but she’s getting married later this year, so to speak, to a woman, so to speak, and I’m delighted for her, so to speak. It just goes to show, there’s hope for everyone! Every old sock meets an old shoe! Or, in their case, a pair of old boots!’

Nelson watched as two people ripped off their badges and left the hall, and he considered doing the same thing, but he felt like he was driving slowly past the scene of a car crash. He didn’t want to stare, but he just couldn’t help it.

‘Right,’ said Alice, leaning in to the microphone again and sighing deeply. ‘So here’s the way we do things now since equality came in.’ She made inverted comma symbols in the air when she said the word equality. ‘You sit down wherever you like and you talk to the person seated opposite you.’ Again, inexplicably, she signed inverted commas around opposite. ‘Some will be people of the gender to which you are attracted, and some will not. But no matter who’s facing you, just have a chat! Talk as if you’re normal, well-adjusted people. And when I ring the bell, which will be every three minutes, everyone moves one space to their left and starts talking to whoever’s sitting opposite them then. Is that clear? Of course it is. Clear as mud, I hear you say! Ahahaha! Anyway, it’ll all become clear once we get started. So now, without any further ado, and unaccustomed as I am to speaking aloud, let me invite you all to take a seat, and when I ring the bell, just talk, just talk—’