‘Dozy mare,’ muttered Belinda, who had sidled up beside Nelson now and was getting perilously close to touching him. In fact, he was certain that he could feel one of her hands stroking his left buttock.

‘No, I got that wrong, didn’t I?’ said Alice, frowning. ‘It’s not the last night of your life. I mean, it might be, but who’s to say? Anything could happen. No, what I meant was’ – voice raising again – ‘tonight might be the last night of the rest of your life!’

A groan from the audience.

‘No, that’s not it either, is it? Oh dear, I’m so sorry, it’s—’

‘The first night of the rest of your life!’ roared Belinda, definitely cupping him now, and he stepped forward, out of her reach. ‘For Christ’s sake, Alice, you get it wrong every time! It’s like handing a microphone to Mel Gibson when he’s six hours into a bachelor party and asking him whether he’d like to go to Israel on his summer holidays.’

‘Yes, that’s it,’ replied Alice, looking apologetic, her face turning beetroot red. ‘The rest night of the first of your life. I do apologize. Now, let me begin by thanking you all for coming to our sixth speed-dating night of 2021. It’s such a pleasure to see so many lonely, miserable people, all hoping to find someone who might give their lives some meaning. It matters so much to Belinda and me—’

‘Doesn’t matter to me,’ muttered the cashier in Nelson’s ear. ‘But I love a man in uniform, I do.’

‘—that you’ve come here tonight. You are the dreamers, and we are the dreamers of your dreams. Love, love is strange. Many people take it for a game. Lonely, you might be Mr Lonely, or Miss Lonely, but you’ve gotta have faith. You’ve gotta have a-faith-a-faith-a-faith. I say you’ve gotta have a-faith if you wanna dance with somebody who loves you and have sweet dreams till sunbeams find you. Can you feel the love tonight? It’s a little bit funny, but I can—’

‘She does this whole fucking routine every time,’ said Belinda, shaking her head in exasperation. ‘Honestly, there are times I’d like to press a pillow over her face.’

‘This feeling inside. Now, don’t be worried if you say something stupid like I love you, although you may not want to say that as you’ve all only just met, but remember that each of you is beautiful, it’s true, in every single way, and you need to open your hearts to each other, because one of you holds the lock and the other holds the key.’

‘I think you’d better leave right now,’ shouted a man at the back of the room, and Nelson looked in his direction. He was big, bald and burly, and had the number 22 on his sticker.

‘Don’t feel under pressure, that’s all I ask,’ continued Alice. ‘And you might end the night flying without wings!’